Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 11: (Almost) Everyone Gets Engaged
Only one hour of Bachelor in Paradise content remains in Season 3. Grab a drink, put on the rosiest glasses you can find, and prepare yourself for multiple proposals by couples newer than the 2016 College Football season; the finale starts now!
At the Fantasy Suites
Carly is prepared to accept a proposal from Evan, but then he tries to rap for her. It doesn't look like she falls out of love, but I wouldn't blame her if she did.
Grant tries to secure some wiggle room (one day after getting matching tattoos) by telling Lace a proposal feels very sudden. It totally is, but in the context of this show he's dragging his feet more than a toddler going to the dentist. Womp womp.
Nick and Jen enjoy breakfast and mimosas in bed, by which I mean they sip mimosas while their hearty dishes grow cold:
I'm just saying, none of that food is getting any better while you snog. Also, doesn't a pot of coffee on a fantasy suite bed sound dangerous?
Josh and Amanda snog, she talks about her kids, and the only person less enthusiastic than Josh is me. With the day of reckoning approaching, Josh thinks about pumping the brakes before meeting Amanda's kids and moving closer to marriage.
At the Paradise Pad
Evan is the first to visit Neil Lane, official diamond sponsor of the Bachelor Franchise, and seems pretty comfortable with the idea of proposing. Grant echoes his concerns from earlier in the morning, Nick gets a pep talk from a man now familiar with his taste in rings, and Josh peruses his options with stepchildren on his mind. Because challenging gender norms is far beyond the scope of this show, the ladies sit and wait while the men choose rings and plan their proposals.
The Proposal Pedestal: Carly and Evan
Carly is first, approaching Evan on the proposal pedestal, where he says one of the sappiest things I've ever heard on this show:
"I feel like my heart beats to your soul." Somehow, this isn't the worst things he says in the segment. Just wait.
Finally, the cliche well runs dry and Evan proposes; Carly accepts, and they snog in celebration. Congratulations to them! Regardless of my confidence in the duration of their relationship, this looks pretty sweet:
Despite Evan's punchability and Carly's lack of enthusiasm just weeks ago, I'm considering offering up some knucks...
Nope, Evan had to ruin it by saying HashtagBlessed in the car on their way out. No knucks for you.
The Proposal Pedestal: Grant and Lace
Lace, still nervous from the morning's conversation, makes her way down the beach next. She leads with a barrage of flattery, and Grant takes his sweet time before responding with a ring and a proposal. Lace says yes, and we're two-for-two out of the gate!
The Proposal Pedestal: Nick and Jen
Jen takes the lead in discussing their relationship while Nick squints his eyes against the sun.
I think it's the sun; in any case, this can't be the face Jen was hoping to see when she started her walk up the beach.
He seems uneasy with Jen's words and eventually begins crying as he explains he isn't in love with her despite her great qualities. They hug, and he walks her out to her getaway vehicle. I'm a little biased in favor of Nick (maybe because he's my former roommate's blondepleganger), but this seems like the rare breakup in this franchise that was difficult rather than time-necessitated.
The Proposal Pedestal: Josh and Amanda
Josh demonstrates his poorest judgment of the season by wearing dress shoes without socks to Paradise's final destination. Amanda says her piece, and Josh tears up before dropping to a knee and proposing to a woman whose children he's never met. I'm sure it will go great!
The season comes to an end with a sweaty Josh snogging Amanda, aptly reflecting the bulk of its content.
There we have it, everyone. With enough ABC money, alcohol, and free time, six people attractive enough for broadcast television can indeed find a facsimile of true love strong enough to get engaged with a free diamond ring. There's hope after all!
I guess that isn't a particularly inspiring takeaway...but on the bright side, the finale racked up 88 drinks per our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game. Sure, it was driven up by existing couples repeating "I love you" on the Proposal Pedestal, but it made the viewing much more tolerable. And that's what really matters.
Enjoy the offseason, everyone! I know I will!
