Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 10: Farewell, Heroes of Paradise
When we left off last week, the cast had finally relaxed a bit with some tequila shots and synchronized swimming. Now (five weeks in) it’s time to start seriously pondering engagement. If you missed any of the action, you can find my recap here. If not, let's pull up our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game and dive right in!
At the Paradise Pad
Shushanna is first to the bar in what appears to be the morning, so let’s kick this episode off with some knucks
Annaliese remains convinced of the unique power of her and Kamil’s love, and though she is particularly delusional, the other couples are confident as well: Joe and Kendall, Kevin and Astrid, American Jordan and Jenna, and Chris and Krystal all seem quite cozy.
One-on-One Date: Jordan and Jenna
A surprise date card arrives, asking Jordan if he’s “camera ready”; luckily for him, his date with Jenna is an engagement photoshoot! Unluckily for him, Jenna is somehow becoming aware of her surroundings for the first time:
At least it isn’t the designed goal of the franchise to get its contestants engaged. Oh it is? This should go well…
Jordan is all in on the engagement plan, and the final shot has Jenna don a wedding dress. Wait…that’s entirely inappropriate for engagement photos! C’mon Bach producers, at least pretend to give a damn and send the women on a group date to go dress shopping or something.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Kevin and Astrid continue their impeccable run with this bit of wisdom:
“She seems really nervous...she’s always nervous. She’s nervous about bad things happening to them and about good things happening to them”
The next arrival to Paradise is Robby, who I strongly disliked during Jojo’s season, and he picks up right where he left off in douchebaggery:
You (depressingly) have 416,000 followers on Instagram, Robby. Your last appearance on the Bachelorette drew 8.6 million viewers. People know you better for being a douchebag on television than for being a douchebag on social media.
Annaliese seems about as enthusiastic as I am, and Jordan echoes her sentiments. Only resident witch Shushanna seems interested. While Robby makes the rounds with his date card, the rest of the cast fills in the backstory involving Robby’s infidelity in a relationship with Amanda, former LVP of Paradise. When Robby moves on to Jenna, she rubs enough brain cells together to reach this conclusion:
Based on Jordan’s response to David, and Benoit, and life in general, it’s safe to assume he’d view a date with Robby as a step back as well
For some reason, despite Jenna’s rejection of Robby, Jordan goes to confront him. His response is as confused as his wardrobe choice:
What’s happening here, Robby? I see you still haven’t converted to socks, but what’s with the tank top and jeans? You’re on the beach in Mexico - is it hot, or is it cold? Have you been skipping leg day other than your ankles? And how do you not crush whatever massive object you keep in your back pocket when you sit down?
Process of elimination leads Robby to Shushanna, who quickly accepts his date offer. Astrid steps in with this bomb regarding Robby:
“You know how guys love to say that you can’t turn a ho into a housewife? Well you can’t turn a **** into a husband, either.”
One-on-One Date: Robby and Shushanna
The dinner date is exceptionally awkward, with some witchcraft references and random berries falling into their beverages. Shushanna has clearly been watching terrible rom-coms for guidance on dating:
“Robby is very attractive, and it’s just so like sad, that people never met him and I just hear ‘he’s a douchebag, he’s this’, but I like Robby.”
Back at the Paradise Pad
Kamil and Annaliese share some champagne on the beach while Cassandra continues talking with Kiwi Jordan. He’s set up a sundae on a lounger, but it’s safe to say Cassandra is looking past dessert:
He already asked the crew for ice cream! What, you want this guy to do everything?!
They snog, she’s feeling potential, and we shift to Kendall and Joe.
Both are afraid of commitment, but Joe wants to make his feelings clear. He brings up the subject of engagement, she dismisses it summarily, and they say goodnight in the least romantic way possible:
I’m pretty sure this is how I’d say goodnight to my roommate when he fell asleep on the couch after four whiskeys and a bowl of popcorn
The Cocktail Party
Olivia, Shushanna, and Cassandra have the at-large roses, and Diggy and John are competing for Olivia’s attention. Diggy makes a big move by enlisting someone to play trumpet, hearkening back to their date just the other day. John interrupts and leads Olivia to the oddest patch of sunflowers I’ve ever seen:
Who doesn’t dream of snogging in the Little Shop of Horrors?
Shushanna is convinced she’ll be giving her rose to Robby, but Olivia pulls her aside to discuss her new beau. Cassandra warns her “once a cheater, always a cheater” and Shushanna feigns concern. To put the matter to rest, she asks Robby if he’s cheated on anyone, he says yes, and then denies cheating on Amanda. Here’s where we end up:
See? You proved those other women totally wrong by cheating on other girls who weren’t on Paradise
Kendall takes Joe aside to resolve some of the awkwardness from the night prior, and tells him she’s not sure if they should be at the exclusive stage. His response is surprisingly long and on-message:
“For me...where your head’s at was my biggest fear last night. That you don’t feel the same way I do. You don’t know how I feel? I’m with you all day long. I’ve been falling in love with you since day two. I haven’t been able to express it because all you’ve said is ‘all my boyfriends try to suffocate me and I want to keep things open’ and of course I say I want to keep things open because that’s what you want to hear. I haven’t kissed or went on a date with anyone else, and I got pulled for multiple dates, and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is your name.”
Seeing the writing on the wall, Joe takes the opportunity to head home. Double Knucks to Joe for making the tough decision even if it took him some time to do so:
Kendall decides to go home too, but doesn’t seem to understand where it fell apart:
You crossed the point of saying too much a while ago, Kendall. Probably around the fourth time you told Joe you wanted to keep your options open
The Rose Ceremony
Seven women and eight boys, let’s see who’s going home:
Cassandra picks Kiwi Jordan
Shushanna picks Robby
Annaliese picks Kamil
Astrid picks Kevin
Krystal picks Chris
Jenna picks American Jordan
Olivia picks John
That means Diggy is heading home this week, which is unfortunate from a style standpoint but otherwise irrelevant.
The Next Morning
Kevin and Astrid drop their best piece of work this season:
“I ordered the biggest breakfast in the history of this place.
-What do you got?
Eight-egg omelette. With a full green bell pepper in it, bacon and chicken.”
Chris Harrison arrives to tell everyone there will be no new arrivals; instead each couple will be deciding to split up and leave Paradise single, leave Paradise together, or stay in Paradise and head to the Fantasy Suite with an engagement ring awaiting them the next day.
Decision Time
Olivia and John decide to leave Paradise and see where things go in the outside world together
Cassandra wants to give things a shot outside of Paradise, but Jordan is realistic about the situation and they say farewell
Robby and Shushanna part ways with vague plans to meet in Utah, where everything romantic happens
Kamil, despite some trepidation, invites Annaliese to the Fantasy Suite (she accepts, obviously)
Chris and Krystal decide to go to the Fantasy Suite
Jordan and Jenna opt for the Fantasy Suite
Kevin claims to be having a mental breakdown based on his past Fantasy Suite experiences which he now views as mistakes. Fair enough, but it turns into the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech, and Astrid isn’t having it:
Took the words right out of my mouth. Astrid, you the real MVP.
Kevin breaks up with Astrid in the ensuing conversation, and she leaves him crying on one of the daybeds:
I’m not crying, Kevin’s crying! But really, what are we supposed to do with one full episode without our anchors to reality?!
Let’s pour one out for our Bachelor in Paradise Season 5 MVPs.
The remaining contestants begin to panic in the wake of the breakup…except for Annaliese. She’s as hyper-focused as ever, and Chris Harrison leaves them to prepare for the Fantasy Suites.
Fantasy Suite: Krystal and Chris
Krystal goes into the night nervous about the future because she didn’t previously want marriage. Extremely rational. Chris’s response seems to be enough to change her worldview, and they head off.
Fantasy Suite: Annaliese and Kamil
Annaliese is the opposite of Krystal, but claims to be aware of the possibility of scaring Kamil away. She goes right for the big question, and Kamil puts her fears to rest before telling her he’s falling in love with her. They head towards the bedroom leaving this glorious spread behind:
Didn’t your parents ever guilt trip you with the starving kids?
Fantasy Suite: Jenna and Jordan
If you were expecting some eloquent conversation, you haven’t been watching this season. Jordan leads with “you’re so much more than just a bombshell, or easy on the eyes” before pushing on to tell her he’s in love with her. Jenna sees divine intervention:
I’ve always suspected the flying spaghetti monster had an emotional investment in this show
Champagne and snogging, snogging and champagne, and we’re off to the finale with some suggestive fireworks and a Polish sausage joke!
Knucks
Kevin for ordering an eight-egg omelette
Kiwi Jordan for breaking the bad news to Cassandra with a “nah”
Astrid for appropriately responding to Kevin’s bizarre course correction
Demerits
Kevin for allowing insecurity and baggage to destroy the best pairing of this season
Robby for being so much the way he is
That's all for Episode 10! We tallied 103 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules, thanks to increasing "I love you"s and continued "Paradise"s. Tune in next week to see if any of these nutjobs get engaged!
