Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 11: The Finale
When we left off last week, the show had lost any fleeting meaning it had when Kevin clumsily broke up with Astrid and left us alone in Paradise with only crazies for company. Annaliese and Kamil, Jordan and Jenna, and Chris and Krystal, all opted for Fantasy Suites and a shot at a free engagement ring. If you missed any of the action, you can find my recap here. If not, let's pull up our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game and dive right in!
The Morning After: Annaliese and Kamil
A suspiciously done-up couple wakes up in their Fantasy Suite bed with what I hope are mimosas and not just orange juice:
Those are very orange for morning-of-possible-proposal beverages. Also where the hell is Kamil going without even sampling those pancakes?
Coming to the Paradise altar, Annaliese is fully prepared for a proposal (shocker, I know). They exchange some well-rehearsed lines and “I love you”s, but Kamil tells her he isn’t ready for an engagement. Annaliese pretends to totally agree, they snog, and we move on.
The Morning After: Jordan and Jenna
Oddly, they skip the usual morning-after shot and head straight to the beach. If I had to guess why…I’d say Jenna didn’t bring anything censors would allow on (American) broadcast television. Jenna’s tune has changed considerably over her time in Paradise:
At least you’re not getting your hopes up. Side note: I love the backdrop for engagement photos, but the carpet? Did the contestants leave their Crayola Big Box out overnight?
Jenna delivers a stunningly linear speech, Jordan keeps it simple, and he drops to one knee; Jenna accepts, and we have our first “success” story of this season!
The Morning After: Chris and Krystal
Chris wakes up in the morning and wastes no time telling Krystal he’s nervous about the future. Krystal is anxious too, but I expected a little more calm from someone so into crystals, yoga, and…this breakfast spread
In a genuine “you shouldn’t have!” voice. Marriage is supposed to be about compromise, Chris - bring her a green juice but hold on to your mimosa!
Chris opens the Paradise speeches this time, and goes with the rarely seen “gotcha” proposal:
“Honestly Krystal, you’ve changed my life. You’ve changed me. You’ve helped me become a better version of myself, a better man. But...I have to be honest with myself. And, I have to be honest with you...and I’m so sorry Krystal, but it would be unfair to the both of us if I left here today holding your hand...
...because I want to leave here holding your heart. And I want to give you my heart today, tomorrow, and forever. I love you so much, and I honestly cannot picture a life without you. You’re the woman I know I want to be with.”
Krystal accepts, they FaceTime Chris’s mom, and Krystal finalizes the deal by taking his terrible, horrible, no-good nickname:
I dunno, maybe they really are perfect for each other if she’s excited about that
The Paradise Post-Game Show
On the bright side, much of the post-show is just a recap of the entire season, which I’ve already done at length. So it’s a perfect opportunity to kick back and enjoy your drink! Let’s round up the minor storylines:
John and Olivia tried long distance for a while, but John told her he wanted to leave it at friends. Olivia sounds okay with the excuse, but isn’t thrilled about his very public FaceTime interactions with Chelsea
Eric references cheese again and apologizes to Angela; she accepts
Jordan and Benoit reignite their beef and make no progress
His analogies are poor, but he really goes for it
Tia claims to be comfortable with her and Colton’s standing as friends, which he echoes, firmly, three times. Get the net, Tia.
Paradise Finale Focus: Astrid and Kevin
Kevin reached out to Astrid after the show ended, but they’re in limbo after the blindside breakup. Given a chance to explain his decision, Kevin reiterates his feeling of panic upon hearing “Fantasy Suite” after his experience with Ashley in Winter Games. I’m sure he’s suggesting it feels like a mistake after their relationship ended so poorly, but it’s fun to speculate about what Ashley did in the Fantasy Suite that would be so scarring (she probably just cried about Jared for 12 straight hours). Kevin takes full responsibility for the mistake he made, tells Astrid he’s in love with her, and she reciprocates. The MVPs are back!
The heroes we deserve
Paradise Finale Focus: Joe and Kendall
Chris Harrison subjects Kendall to a montage of her relationship and ultimate breakup with Joe before offering some deep insight:
Yeah dude, she’s crying. A Vulcan could figure that one out.
Kendall went to Chicago to see Joe, and the Paradise film crew followed. She tells him she’s in love with him, he tells her it would take time for him to get back to that spot, and we pick up with them in the studio from there. Knucks for not jumping right back into it, Joe.
Joe tells Chris he’s gone to visit Kendall in L.A. a couple times and that everything is going well. They’re trying the long-distance relationship, and Chris Harrison offers some assistance in the form of a spot on Dancing with the Stars. Joe accepts with no prior dancing skills, but at least he’s going into it eyes wide open:
He’s talking about Dancing with the Stars here, but you’d be forgiven for wondering if Kendall just mentioned taxidermy or cemetery picnics
Paradise Finale Focus: Annaliese and Kamil
The rehashing of their relationship allows Annaliese to unknowingly identify the central problem in her search:
“What Kamil and I have will end up in an engagement, and marriage, and babies, and I want that more than anything”
Kamil and Annaliese have been trying long-distance since leaving Paradise, but Kamil wastes little time getting to the point: it isn’t working out for him and he wants to “slowly part ways”. Other than the pace (band-aid approach, right?), he’s making a lot of sense, but the audience’s deep emotional investment in Annaliese’s quest has them wishing he’d stay in it indefinitely. Chris Harrison asks why he didn’t break up with Annaliese before the show, and he says he wanted to do it in person. There was probably a better alternative, but it’s a good thought. The rest of the cast and the audience are having none of it; I can’t say I’ve experienced either, but is getting dumped on live television so much worse than getting dumped on…recorded television?
You should have known what you were getting into the moment you saw her crazy eyes, Kamil. Or when you heard her crazy words. There were a lot of opportunities, is my point.
Paradise Finale Focus: Jordan and Jenna
The engaged couple has been working through the difficulties of long-distance while trying to plan a wedding, but the same bizarre chemistry remains:
An alien probing a golden retriever, all on ABC
Yeah that’s fair, I think we generally prefer it that way too
Jordan asks Chris to officiate their wedding next year; sounds like I need to put together a new drinking game!
Paradise Finale Focus: Chris and Krystal
Somehow their appearance begins with tears of happiness, but they fight through them to overwhelm us with cutesy talk until Krystal finally steps over the line:
I just…whatever
The next few minutes recap Chris’s first meeting with Krystal’s dogs. She even bought a ring-bearer-pillow (her term, not mine), which Chris reacts to appropriately:
Nailed it.
It is kind of adorable, though
The whole thing sounds like something I’d make fun of, but I actually agree it’s important to make a good impression on the dogs. Knucks to you both.
Chris Harrison gifts them a crystal goose, and that does it for this season!
Knucks
Kevin for nailing his shot at redemption and reuniting with our MVP
Kendall for flying to Chicago to apologize to Joe (withdrawn if Paradise footed the bill)
Joe for agreeing to go on Dancing with the Stars with no dance knowledge
Demerits
Kamil for not just breaking up with Annaliese the night before
The audience for preferring Kamil stay with obviously-unstable Annaliese over ending the relationship
That's all for Episode 11 and Season 5! We tallied 108 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules, thanks to increasing "I love you"s and continued "Paradise"s. See you next year!
