Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 2: One Raging Male Leaves, Another Enters
Let's find out what Chad will do when he is (based on the preview) inexplicably allowed back on premises after being asked to leave!
Chad, now Tempestuous BadScruff, in the Exit Vehicle continues his crusade against the show's lunch meat supplies while mourning his dashed hopes to become the Bachelor one day.
On a positive note, he is "vibing his meat tastes". So...yep.
Leah, who claims to be from Ben's season, is added to the mix in the wake of Grumpy BadScruff's departure. I didn't realize they'd be adding contestants throughout the season, but it adds an interesting wrinkle to an otherwise stable structure. Leah arrived intending to use her date card with Chad, and after an awkward pause the group updates her on that whole situation. Despite the setback, she jumps right to introductions, treating the situation like the televised desperate speed dating event it is. The original ladies are not impressed, and retreat to discuss the enhancements they suspect she obtained since leaving the Bachelor.
Because it would be a scandal if anyone appeared on this show with more than what nature provided them with.
The twins casually eat bananas in front of Vinny and Jared.
Pictured: someone who would never stoop to the depths of cosmetic enhancements to their lips.
Lace summons Vinny to the bar and asks him to talk to Grant on her behalf. He wisely turns down the thankless mission, suggesting she do it herself. Rather than do something so direct, she throws back some shots. It's a risky move given her history on the show, but luckily for her, Vinny tells Grant what she said, and he attempts to comfort her while she plays sad, hurt, and needy.
One-on-One Date: Leah and Nick
Leah, wearing an even worse top than the ones Amanda prefers, takes Nick to an outdoor market where there's a bar.
What is happening here? How do you even put that on? I hope this garment is called a boobs scrunchie, because that's what comes to mind.
Thank goodness! I thought they might experience withdrawals so far from their lodgings and Jorge. The date ends with a snog on the beach.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Amanda laments the hardship of leaving her children for a reality dating show for a second time. If only she hadn't been grabbed Taken-style from her home and sent to Mexico to compete. Nick receives the next date card and chooses our absentee mother, citing a desire to get to know people. This move, entirely in keeping with the theme and structure of the show, triggers a breakdown for Leah. She awkwardly (and drunkenly) harasses Amanda, creeping out the twins.
One-on-One Date: Nick and Amanda
This date is entirely uneventful, setting our contestants up at a restaurant for dinner outside a bar. Smalltalk smalltalk, chitchat chitchat, exit to a campfire, snogging.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Leah continues breaking down, crying and wandering aimlessly along the beach.
Maybe the loneliest and most desperate shot on a show built around lonely, desperate people. I blame her boobs scrunchie.
Sarah is determined to earn a rose and targets Vinny. They step away and flirt, sending Izzy into a bit of a panic. VInny makes a move, securing a nice little pre-Rose-Ceremony snog sesh. Izzy drops in to steal him shortly after and repeats Sarah's words almost verbatim. It works out the exact same way, and Vinny snogs some more.
Carly seems to have taken a liking to Evan, shockingly, but her choice of clothing suggests she is visually impaired.
I know for a fact other options exist, and yet every woman on this show chooses these bizarre tops and every man chooses a terrible necklace with a tank top.
They snog and head off to bed with very different understandings of how the kiss went. Carly was not impressed.
Lace and Grant have put the dalliance with Grumpy BadScruff in the past, snogging on the beach before heading to a private room and jumping in bed. BANGARANG!!! For some reason, ABC splices shots of crab sexual activity with the noises coming from their room. I don't know what to do with that, so let's just move past it.
The Cocktail Party
Leah steals Nick early and attempts to disguise her conversation as something other than "please please please give me a rose". She fails. Nick chooses honesty, saying he connected a bit better with Amanda. Leah is not pleased.
I respect your honesty, Nick, but you need to have an exit strategy in place for when it triggers this face.
She responds by taking a shot. Knucks to you even though you're crazy, Leah. I support that response.
Moving on from the shots, Leah targets Daniel, who may be her soulmate. Check out this exchange:
“L: I have a lot of layers.
D: Layers, like an onion.
L: Like an onion.
D: You’re gonna make me cry, though?
L: No.
D: Okay, you’re not like an onion then.
L: I have layers like an onion. But I...you...I might cry. But you...cause I’m the onion.
D: So you’re like an orange, with one layer.
L: ...
D: ...”
Rose Ceremony:
The men assume their positions and prepare to make their selections; Vinny looks like a man who moments ago snogged two women and now has to choose one:
If you can't guess, he's the one on the far left. He's just now remembering the "hell hath no fury" line and what it means.
Here are the results:
- Grant gives Lace a Bangarang Rose
- Nick gives Amanda a Save-Me-From-Crazy-Leah Rose
- Evan gives Carly a One-Kiss-and-I'm-In-Love Rose
- Jared gives Emily an I-Remember-the-Banana-Thing Rose
- Vinny gives Izza an I-Guess-You-Had-Dibs Rose
- Daniel gives Sarah a Surprisingly-Charming-Rose
That means Crazy Leah and Jubilee are heading home, continuing the Bachelor franchise's poor success rate for minorities.
The Next Morning:
Today's new arrival is Josh Murray, who reclaims his mantle of the brother of a guy who played football on national television from Lil Rodgers. He also edged out Nick in Andi's season, and Nick looks like he's trying really hard not to worry about it:
Classic nonchalant face. What are you looking at up there, Nick? Something interesting that popped into view just as you were staring at your former rival?
In a fantastic move for narrative purposes, Josh uses his date card to ask Amanda on a date.
One-on-One Date: Josh and Amanda
Amanda does some deep digging on her newest suitor, asking about his negative portrayal in his former fiancee's book. Proving once again that good looks wreak havoc on the intuition of the weak-minded, Amanda accepts his entire response at face value.
“I did ask him about the book that was written. And I thought he gave a really good answer. And I trust him and I can tell how genuine he is, so it’s not really something I’m worried about.”
My God, that was even easier than I'd expected. Should I have picked a more challenging conquest, like that hooker at the airport?
One-on-One Date: Evan and Carly
Carly's plan to avoid Evan comes undone when he's given a date card, and she VERY hesitantly accepts his offer. Unfortunately for her, their date involves setting a Guiness World Record requiring them to eat habanero peppers and kiss for 90 consecutive seconds. Maybe the literal tingle of the pepper will fill the tingle-less chemistry void she noticed in their last kiss? They manage to eat their peppers and suck very uncomfortable face for a minute and 41 seconds. Despite their world record, the emotions remain extremely one-sided.
Back at the Paradise Pad:
Emily and Jared have a painfully slow conversation, boosting my own confidence in that department. It's so slow, in fact, that Emily wonders what's going on in his head; the answer, of course, is very little. That's why he doesn't talk much, Emily. But she snogs him anyway.
When Josh and Amanda return, Haley quickly pulls Amanda aside to get details on her date. Nick and Josh trade awkward passive-aggressive comments until Nick calls him an ass. Territorial gorilla Josh snogs Amanda right in front of Nick, who inexplicably watches as it happens.
Look away, my man. There's an open bar and a bunch of desperate women without kids around every corner.
This episode continues the next night, because ABC really has nothing to put on TV this time of year.
The Questionably Qualified Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game tallied 102 drinks this episode! We're going to have to make some adjustments to those rules!
