Ben Higgins Bachelor Recap Episode 3: Cialis Commercial
Episode Three begins with some standard catty talk. Amanda suggests that someone in the house has some Mean Girl in her. Massive understatement. Olivia is wanting to kiss Ben some more and fawning over their “relationship”. Pardon my skepticism, but if you’re one of 17 I will not take you seriously.
Lauren B gets the first one-on-one date this episode. The person who reads the card should lie about it just to see the wrong person get ready and the right person be utterly unprepared when Ben arrives. Keep your competition on their toes!
As Ben and Lauren B drive away in another classic car, I can’t help but think Kat would be PISSED if I told her we’re going to let her hair blow in the open air for a nice long drive on national television.
Sidenote: what do the contestants do all day while the one-on-one date is happening? Is there a gym onsite? If you were really in it to win it, I think you should hit the gym, come back and make some margaritas, and water your own down. KO some lightweights early and get back to the competition.
For their date, Ben and Lauren B are flying in a biplane over the ocean. Someone else is doing the flying, so Snogging ensues, and a flyby of the Bachelor mansion generates much consternation.
After landing, Ben and Lauren B embark on what I believe is the Cialis date: sitting in a hot tub in the middle of an empty field. This scenario has always puzzled me, but standard one-on-one date chitchat and snogging are next before we’re whisked back to the Bachelor Mansion.
Cailin is falling to pieces after realizing the show involves trying to date someone dating other people. If only there was some way she could have known. Every contestant is in PJs already, and I wish they had more information about what time of night it is so I could find out if that’s reasonable or not.
Lauren B and Ben are vibing pretty hard on this one-on-one date, so Ben decides to share some personal information. He reveals that his dad recently had triple bypass surgery, and Lauren B adorkably says she’d like to meet his family. Ben gives her the rose, and snogging resumes. There is still no evidence that anyone actually eats on these one-on-one dates, as the entire board in front of them is still full.
Ugh, private concert again.
One note of interest – Ben drops the W word (wife) when referring to his date with Lauren B.
The group date for Episode 3 is at the LA Coliseum, where Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara of the USWNT arrive, presumably scaring the shit out of all of the Bachelor contestants. Lauren H claims to have zero ball-handling skills, and tries to play it off as unintentional. I am unconvinced.
Chris Harrison appears to terrify the contestants, and informs them that the winners of a pickup game will continue on the date with Ben while the losers return to the Mansion and its open bar. That’s a pretty sweet consolation prize.
A fifth cast member explains the stakes of winning and losing, which is good because I almost forgot while I was gauging the level of my beverage. The Stars jump out to an early 1-0 lead, but the Stripes answer back with two goals. It is abundantly clear that no one really knows what they’re doing, but the Stripes are up 3-2. Emily the twin does her best Tim Howard impersonation (relative skill, come on) and the game is tied at the end of regulation. I really want and also don’t want them to do a shootout, but instead we get OT. Rachel goes down with a leg cramp, and Olivia decides to take advantage of that. LOVE THE KILLER INSTINCT.
Shortly after Rachel’s leg cramp, the Stripes win the game and thus the continuation date. I actually feel kind of bad for Emily just because she played solid keeper based on the footage. Maybe Ben doesn’t want his contestants playing such good defense…
Rachel is being carried into the Bachelor Mansion now, which makes me think maybe it isn’t a leg cramp. I don’t know how she would have been injured otherwise though, so…shrug?
Olivia grabs Ben to start the continuation date, prompting Lace to call her “very aggressive”. Pot, Kettle.
They retreat to a room upstairs and discuss mostly nothing before snogging. The girls on the couch slam Olivia for her toes, which…are there bad toes? Olivia acknowledges she hates them, so I guess it IS a thing. I wish it wasn’t. Also upsetting: there is a random shot of full drinks on the table.
Amber tells Ben “if it takes two times on the Bachelor to find love, then so be it”. Thank you for putting in the minimal effort necessary to secure a lifelong relationship, Amber. I hope these paid vacations aren’t too troubling for you as a bartender. Somehow that confession of anxiety and some minor snogging gives her the group date rose, ruining the moods of everyone else in the room.
Back at the Mansion Jubilee gets the one-on-one date, and fails miserably at concealing her excitement to the dismay of some other girls, particularly brunette on the left. Maybe Jennifer?
Jubilee confesses to feeling awkward when she likes someone, like literally everyone I know. When Ben arrives, Jubilee actually DOES respond incredibly awkwardly, if by “awkwardly” I mean “pissily”. Suddenly she is bleeding Bach Points, because when trying to joke she comes across as insulting. I’m also surprised she’s afraid of riding in helicopters as a member of the military, but maybe that’s not unusual?
Ben and Jubilee land at a nice little spa on a hill, and they show a large table of food. Each of them eat three bites before popping a bottle of bubbly and starting in on that. You should really eat more before moving on to champagne, but I can hardly judge.
Ben and Jubilee change into swim attire and head to the hot tub (third consecutive date) with large glasses of red wine and immediately fail at talking. Perhaps inspired by the infinity pool nearby, snogging begins before cutting away to a Jubilee confessional. She can see what a normal day would be like with him. Y’know, normal days that include helicopter rides to exclusive resorts in California.
God damnit Ben, why are you wearing a cardigan over a button down? Get it together, man.
Jubilee says she can’t joke around other people. Does she joke around by herself? That seems like an odd hangup, because jokes are usually better if someone else is around to laugh with you.
Instead, she explains that her entire family died when she was growing up, which is a much bigger backstory bomb than her orphan reveal in week 1. Ben reacts appropriately with concerned silence, and gives her the one-on-one date rose. Not that he has a choice at this point, but there seems to be some genuine bonding. Light snogging ensues, and once again the food on the table is untouched. There’s god damn steak sitting there, and they zoom in on it before cutting away. Dicks.
Scandal has erupted back at the Mansion because Jubilee is not being social on her first morning back. Apparently everyone was expecting her to go home on her one-on-one date. Instead, heading into the cocktail party, three ladies have roses and Ben has arrived with news of a phone call. Two people close to his family have passed away, and no one knows what to say. Olivia steps in to walk him away, drawing the ire of her competitors. Somehow Olivia begins her conversation with an explanation of her insecurities over her legs, and Ben is understandably not thrilled or interested.
Back in the party room, drinks are flowing and Jubilee is continuing her somewhat distant behavior. There is briefly a shot of people eating (yay!) but Jubilee takes Ben away to a massage table to work on Ben and help him feel better. This requires Ben to be face-down on a massage table in a dress shirt and a tie, but he seems to appreciate it anyway. The mood in the Bach Mansion isn’t so positive, and it seems possible Jubilee will soon be labeled a witch and dragged in front of the town for judgment.
Before a witch trial can begin, someone else comes in to “steal” him and Jubilee waltzes back into the Mansion. Amber decides to let her know why there’s so much tension, but Jubilee has wrapped herself in a blanket burrito and curled up on a couch outside, which is fairly weird. . When confronted, she responds with a good old-fashioned storm-off and goes upstairs. Ben overhears the voices and goes to investigate; YOU’RE A BRAVE MAN, BEN!
Somehow Lace has become mildly sympathetic amongst the other contestants, and again I’m having Game of Thrones visions related to shifting allegiances and insanity.
Amber goes to check on Ben and Jubilee, which is a no-good, very-bad, really dumb idea. You can’t look good when you confront a woman crying in a bathroom. She does have a rose already, so she’s safe for at least one more week, but don’t volunteer for that job next time. Ben returns to the cocktail party visibly fatigued only to be hauled away by Lace. In a rare moment, I actually feel bad for him.
A crying Lace talks to Ben outside and says she might need to go home to work on herself before she can love someone else. She leaves with more grace than I would have predicted. Knucks, Lace.
Chris Harrison makes an appearance and everyone heads to the rose ceremony. A reflective Ben says “there is a lot going on in life”, which must be true when dating 15 people simultaneously.
Victorious this week: Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Twin 1 and Twin 2, Rachel, Caila, JoJo, Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia of the bad toes.
On the way out, Jami doesn’t know what to do when it comes to liking a boy. She was eliminated from a game show where she had no control over any element of her time. One good starting point would be targeting someone not on The Bachelor, but maybe I’m just getting curmudgeonly in my old age.
