The Bachelor Recap, Nick Viall Episode 10: Fantasy Suites Part 2
When we left off last week, Raven was looking for an escort to Pleasure Town. Will Nick play the role of Ron Burgundy? How many times will ABC broadcast the word "orgasm" this week? Can any of the three remaining contestants make a strong enough impression in their first ever time alone with this man to secure a proposal? Nick has only two more episodes to choose a fiancee (again), so let's see who stands out and who goes home this week!
The Morning After: Raven
After groggily waking up in their cold Finnish cabin, Raven resolves the biggest cliffhanger of the season with a nudge and a wink:
“I will say this. Nick is really good at what he does. So...I’m pretty satisfied today.”
This is followed by a montage of her petting dogs, frolicking in the snow, and generally re-enacting my favorite Lonely Island music video. (Hint: it features Akon)
Fantasy Suite Date: Rachel
Day 2 of nationally televised not-exclusive-but-nearly-engaged dating begins with some cross-country skiing, which seems like a curious choice; I'm told it's neither easy nor relaxing. Rachel confirms this stance by claiming she's never heard of the activity and hitting the deck at least twice in the early going. She gets the hang of it just in time for their arrival at a reindeer farm. Cute, fuzzy animals make for better date material:
"Look at the rack on that!" and all Santa-related jokes must be so played out for these reindeer. Poor things just want some original material!
As the couple du jour cozies up beside a fire, Rachel talks through her feelings and fears. After some initial laziness, Nick finally strings together some reassurances and snags a snog. A team of reindeer whisks them away on a sleigh to the second part of their date.
The Northern Lights are quite visible as Nick and Rachel walk to a cabin full of wine, but I'm more impressed by Rachel's giant middle finger to the weather gods, going bare midriff in Finland:
There aren't many people with the abs OR the constitution to pull that off in a Scandinavian winter. I hope she makes every suitor do the same when she's The Bachelorette.
With the wine flowing, Rachel tells Nick she's falling for him and Nick reciprocates before offering Rachel the Fantasy Suite card. She accepts, and they head upstairs for a night of pinochle, probably.
The Morning After: Rachel
Nick gets his butt out of bed and makes breakfast for both of them, so knucks to him. Rachel wears a penguin onesie, so knucks to her too.
Fantasy Suite Date: Vanessa
The first activity is a series of trips back and forth between an ice tub and a sauna in the Finnish woods. Vanessa isn't entirely thrilled, but delivers a quote strongly indicative of true affection, in my experience:
“I want to murder Nick. Chop him up and feed him to the reindeer.”
Aspiring to last ten seconds in the ice tub, they initially fall well short; the first dip is three seconds, and the second is eight. Vanessa makes a strong showing, holding up considerably better than Nick and ultimately encouraging him to stay strong until they reach their goal. Her reward is a chance to relax in an outdoor hot tub, but before long they're discussing the State of the Relationship. Nick's responses are...suboptimal, and can be summarized in this look:
It doesn't seem bad, but this is his face after saying, "interesting" when Vanessa says there are some things she's unwilling to compromise on.
The second part of Nick and Vanessa's date is in a teepee, and they pick up where they left off: Blah blah, traditional family, blah blah, compromise, blah blah. From a Drinking Game perspective, both are dropping "relationship"-bombs left and right, single-handedly boosting this episode's total. Recovering from the dazzling display of limited vocabularies, I found them talking about getting engaged. Vanessa says, "I love you", Nick offers the Fantasy Suite key, and Vanessa accepts despite Nick's frankly half-assed presentation:
"Thoughts?" A line that only works for really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking people and the Bachelor.
The final Fantasy Suite couple moves to a second cabin, and after some light snogging, the camera cuts away to give them the appropriate privacy for an evening game of Monopoly.
The Morning After: Vanessa
Vanessa professes "more of an appreciation for who Nick is." Must have been some good Monopoly.
The Rose Ceremony
Our remaining contestants have picked considerably different dresses for the final Rose Ceremony:
Raven as her namesake, Rachel as a boss, and Vanessa channeling Jessica Rabbit.
Nick arrives, cries (as he is wont to do), and gets to the roses.
This Week's Survivors: Raven and Vanessa
Returning to Reality: Rachel. Just kidding! She's the next Bachelorette. We'll be covering her adventures on this show soon, which is kind of a bummer because she seemed like an actual person with a career and depth and other stuff typically absent from this franchise. I don't know if anyone's image can survive a season on this show, but I'll wish her luck anyway!
This episode tallied 41 drinks according to the QQ Bachelor Drinking Game. Feel free to follow us on Facebook for new content, and we'll see you next week!
