The Bachelorette Recap - Rachel Lindsay Episode 2: A Pool Party With Puppies (and other stuff, too)
When we left off last week, Rachel had sent 9 of her original 32 suitors home. Will she do us all a favor this week and eliminate Wahboom? Will anyone besides Bryan get a snog? How will this week's hinted-at physical altercation fizzle into an anticlimactic shouting match? Let's get these answers and more in Week 2 of Rachel's adventures as The Bachelorette!
Rachel wakes up this week with my favorite of her suitors already in her bed:
He's not all looks, either. I think he could give half these schmucks a run for their money in conversation skills.
Chris Harrison drops a "right reasons" bomb (drink) right off the bat before leaving the 23 remaining men to read this week's date card. Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Wahboom are chosen for the first group date.
Group Date: Husband Material Pentathlon
The producers make a great decision by having Rachel run a grill as the men arrive:
Clearly violating Weber's cardinal rule by leaving the lid open, but I guess I'll let it slide because I'm a sucker for even the visual of grilled meat.
Rachel throws the football around with the boys while Blake complains about Wahboom. I can't really blame him, even though I'd like to because of his haircut and general vibe. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher appear to introduce the stages of the pentathlon, which includes unclogging drains and changing a fake baby's diaper. Kenny has real-life parenting experience, so he's the obvious front-runner. He struggles out of the gate, though, likely because he goes about changing the diaper as though it were a real baby. Tragically Wahboom crosses the finish line first with the help of a few shortcuts, but as none of these challenges follow anything resembling rules, he earns the winner's medal. In a positive turn of events, Ashton Kutcher refuses to say Wahboom. Knucks, Ashton.
Group Date Cocktail Party
Wahboom gets one-on-one time first as the winner of the Husband Material Medal, and he uses the opportunity to read a shoddy poem:
“To the long journey ahead, your beautiful brown eyes and your gorgeous smile are just the tip of all you ‘entile,’ and I look forward to this adventure with you, to continue, for a very long while.”
Yes, I recap reality television for a website called Questionably Qualified. But trust me on this: if someone can't make a four-line poem rhyme without purposely mispronouncing one of the syllables, they aren't trying very hard.
Fred continues to make the case that he's now grown up, Jack says "seriously" so often I wonder if smiling creepily is his best approach, Jonathan talks about changing the diapers of fake babies, and Iggy asks about Rachel's career. She's not really feeling the party so far:
You should immediately change the subject if you're on the receiving end of this face on a date.
Blake tells Rachel he lived with Wahboom's ex-girlfriend and says he's not there for the right reasons (drink). He proceeds from there to confronting Wahboom directly, resulting in an inebriated, nonsensical back-and-forth. I'll let Kenny sum up the situation for both of us:
"Like, these white dudes are kinda buggin' right now!" Amen, Kenny, amen.
Dean elevates his stock by getting some genuine laughs out of Rachel, while Kenny talks about his daughter and makes an equally positive but very different impression. Dean ends up winning the Group Date Rose and secures the first snog of the episode after politely walking Rachel to her ride.
One-on-One Date: Rachel and Peter Head to BarkFest
As Rachel and Peter approach a private jet, Rachel announces they'll be headed to Palm Springs...with a third wheel. It's Copper! Promising for Peter, as a dog's opinion of a new person can really swing its owner's feelings. So far, so good it seems:
Well done, Peter. One hand for each. Just stay focused, because Copper will let you know if you start slacking off.
Their destination in Palm Springs is a pool party for people and dogs called BarkFest, and it is very cute. Look, ABC, if this is your apology for keeping Wahboom around for longer than the five minutes he merited...it's working. I can probably even get Kat to watch this show with me if I start with this episode. After a brief puppy dance party, Rachel and Peter move on to the evening portion of their date.
Dinner starts with some nice casual conversation about teeth-gaps before moving into the more serious matter of relationship therapists. Peter mentions seeing one after a prior relationship, opening the door for Rachel to discuss her own similar experience. After presenting and accepting the rose, the date ends with snogging and a fireworks show; it's very pretty, but where did Copper go in this shot:
I know their reactions vary, but every dog I met has run away in fear at the sound of fireworks.
Group Date: Basketball with Kareem
Usually I don't recap the in-between segments when date cards arrive, but DeMario provided us with the Failed Metaphor of the Week, and I always love including those:
“You can either sink with the fishes, or you can swim to shore. And we’re going to see who’s built Ford tough.”
Fish don't sink, swimming to shore would do them no good, and trucks don't swim regardless of brand. Otherwise, well said.
The men join Rachel in the gym, where Kareem Abdul-Jabbar makes a guest appearance. Maybe I'm a trivia nerd (I'm a trivia nerd), but I would have shouted his name when Rachel said "19-time All Star." It's reasonable to assume she'd appreciate someone knowing the game's history, right? Anyway, Kareem sends the guys through some basic drills to establish competence. Lee struggles:
Pictured: Basketballing incorrectly.
The ensuing 5-on-5 game is predictably sloppy; it's usually helpful to have some recent experience shooting basketballs before doing so competitively. After one ten-minute half, the score is 17-14. So...huh. DeMario decides to actually play in the second half and makes a positive impression on Rachel with blocked shots, steals, and dunks. The good feelings are short-lived, though, as a woman tells Rachel she thought she was dating DeMario when she saw him arrive on After the Final Rose. Rachel retrieves him from the locker room to hash the situation out.
Short story even shorter: a messy three-way conversation ends with Rachel reading the woman's text conversations and sending DeMario home with a "get the f*** out." Booya! All the Knucks, Rachel.
Group Date Cocktail Party 2
Josiah proclaims feelings of protectiveness and gets a snog, Diggy gives his condolences, Jamey offers his services as a listener, Will quotes Ralph Waldo Emerson, Alex sings a Russian folk song, and Eric goes from deep conversation to light snog. Ultimately, Josiah gets the rose.
At the Bachelor Mansion
Bryan, left off of date cards this week, moves quickly to re-establish his position at the top of the pecking order by snogging and offering a chiropractic adjustment. Adam goes a different route, entertaining Rachel with a dollhouse; perhaps the Adam Jr. mannequin was indicative of a deeper fondness for inanimate humanoids. Iggy advances to third-grade flirting with a thumb war, but in the meantime, DeMario has arrived at the Mansion. Chris Harrison gives Rachel a rundown of the situation, and she decides to talk to DeMario. Before we find out what he has to say, we get TO BE CONTINUED...
That's all for Week 2! Check back next week for another recap, and please comment below with any ideas or suggestions you have for our Bachelor Franchise material.
This episode racked up 34 drinks according to our Bachelorette Drinking Game Rules.
