Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 4: Josh Passionately Engages a Pizza in Amanda's Absence
Weems informed me this week that Bachelor in Paradise will be airing twice weekly for the remainder of the season. Even with the Drinking Game, this won't be easy. But I haven't had a mental breakdown yet, so let's pour a perfect manhattan, kick off the episode, and immerse ourselves in two hours of Paradise!
At the Paradise Pad
Reeling from Carly's Friend Zone talk, Evan awkwardly interrupts Josh's uncomfortable and uncalled-for moaning to ask Amanda to a treehouse with his homemade date card. She accepts; I'm pretty sure she thinks the date card is real and Evan does nothing to convince her otherwise. He tells her he's been watching her (he has, creepily) and respects what she has with Josh (he doesn't) before asking if there's any room in her heart for him.
Josh, unsure what to do with his tongue without Amanda's mouth nearby, is given a pizza out of nowhere. How and why did that happen? No one drops surprise pizza off for me while I'm suffering through this show! If you feel compelled, please do. Anyway, Josh claims it is the best pizza he's ever had.
In the real world, we understand the "drunk pizza" phenomenon. Shout out to Bell's Pizza in East Lansing, which you should never visit sober.
In the treehouse, Amanda gently turns Evan down, inexplicably crying after doing so. It seems Evan is even more delusional than me in college after six shots because he interprets the exchange as a positive sign:
“I was expecting a maybe, like a glimmer of hope. And I think I may have gotten that. It’s only been 24 hours with this Josh guy, and I think maybe I got what I wanted tonight, which was like, maybe, in the future.”
He says he's hopeful for the first time in a long time; I guess his infatuation with Carly a few hours ago didn't count.
He walks her back to Josh, who is heartily drunkloving his pizza.
Been there, buddy, just not on national television. He seems utterly unconcerned with Amanda's emotional struggles, but only because he is.
Amanda explains her pity for Evan, but Josh could not care less. He's found a willing and more delicious replacement for Amanda's mouth, and it's Paradise Pad Pizza. Amanda somehow reads his response (see above) as understanding. They bring the pizza upstairs and snog.
Evan gives his version of events to Jared, who is sober enough to ask the same question I did: why would Amanda cry?! Somehow Evan remains confident despite his still-atrocious bracelet(s?) and his 0-for-2 performance in the past 24 hours.
This one is self-explanatory, I just wanted to provide photographic evidence of my new favorite contestant Daniel shaving Vinny's back.
The Cocktail Party
Nick, feeling insecure with his original crush Amanda purring in Josh's lap, chooses a short sleeve shirt and tie as his please-let-me-avoid-elimination outfit. I don't know how he landed on this ensemble, but someone should have helped him out.
Really, Nick? You're on the chopping block and you choose door-to-door Mormon?
I put this in the same category as long sleeves and shorts; either it's too hot to wear sleeves or it's not hot enough to make a tie uncomfortable. Speaking of uncomfortable, check out Josh in this heat:
Amanda is going to need a squeegee later. I've known some sweaty people, but that seems excessive. Did he come straight from the gym? Is he rolling? I can't imagine any of the other women are jealous of Amanda right now.
Christian kicks off the cocktail party by taking Sarah aside in a move he considers "dominant". I'm a competitive person, but I've never described myself as the dominant male in a group because I'm not observing my socialization like a nature documentary. Daniel takes on the alpha male and steals Sarah, telling her plainly he likes her! That's impressively candid for the Bachelor Franchise. After some awkward small talk, a bee stings Daniel on the chin. He plays through the pain and moves in for a snog. Sarah is mildly impressed, but not blown away.
Brandon continues his courtship of Haley oblivious to the perilous perch he occupies having failed the switcheroo test. I have no idea what type of person Brandon is, but this seems a bit harsh. Come on:
No way you could mix these two up within hours of first meeting them!
Evan disregards the disturbing noises Josh makes while flossing Amanda's teeth with his tongue and asks to take Amanda aside again. It seems he read an online summary of Andi's book, and he expresses concern about Josh's emotionally abusive depiction. For some reason, Amanda takes it seriously and goes to Lace for reassurance. How she chose Lace for emotional support is a mystery; she's a disaster!
To my point, Lace immediately passes the information on to Grant without realizing Josh is right next to them. Oops!
If only Josh didn't blend in so well with the surroundings. He's like a chameleon!
Josh explains himself to Amanda while Evan awkwardly creeps around the Paradise Pad.
Don't mind me, just wandering around on the outskirts of the area with a terrible goatee! At least he's not the clown from Episode 1!
Naturally, Josh confronts Evan, giving me hope that Josh will punch Evan, simultaneously fulfilling Evan's destiny as the most punchable person on the show and getting himself kicked off. The discussion is boring; Evan accuses Josh of having "too much polish" and Josh references god again. Evan, in his self-appointed role as the tiny instigator, prods Josh further, to no effect.
With Josh occupied, Nick shares his concerns over the material in Andi's book with Amanda. She pretends to be conflicted and even dramatically looks away when she next sits with Josh.
Josh is to the left. If I had faith in Amanda's mental fortitude, I'd think she was seriously re-evaluating her feelings. I'd also be dumb.
The Rose Ceremony
- Lace gives Grant a Thank-You-For-Rescuing-Me-from-Chad Rose
- Izzy gives Vinny a Don't-Go-Talking-To-Sarah-Again Rose
- Emily gives Jared a Boring Rose
- Amanda gives Josh a Can't-Stop-Snogging Rose
- Sarah gives Daniel a Funny-Guys-Sometimes-Win Rose
- Carly gives Evan a Pity Rose
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- Haley gives Nick a Brandon-Couldn't-Tell-Us-Apart Rose
That means Brandon and Christian (both of whom had date cards last week) are going home, continuing the Bachelor franchise's poor success rate for minorities. I feel like I've said that before....
Evan gives a toast, and I manage to retain the contents of my stomach. For now. Josh is angry at Nick despite Evan being the one to consistently interrupt his throat spelunking. It seems Nick needs to find some new skills to drop aggro.
The Morning After
Nick aptly mocks the relationship between Josh and Amanda after his beach workout, comparing them to awkward young relationships wherein couples feel compelled to maximize physical contact at all times:
Comparing relationships on this show to those forged in the crucible of middle school will always go over well with me, Nick.
The newest arrival to the Paradise Pad is Caila, who I remember as my favorite of the final three women in Ben's season. Every girl seems threatened and every guy seems enthusiastic to meet her, but Nick goes with the ass-out hug.
Get on in there, Nick, this is Bachelor in Paradise! The whole goal is to get those body parts closer together!
Emily is particularly threatened by Caila's arrival, but in a less spiteful and more "I'm jealous of her" way. Kind of like the way I feel about Tom Brady. Reinforcing her concerns, Jared begins chatting with Caila; Carly sees this development and watches with horror, referencing what happened last season. I don't know what she's talking about. Demonstrating unprecedented genuineness, Jared asks for time to speak to Emily before accepting Caila's date card. Knucks to you, Jared, even though I'm pretty sure you're about to give Emily some bad news.
After a brief, awkward exchange with Emily, Jared and Caila head off for their date. Nick attempts to console Emily by saying, "no one falls in love on a horse"; clearly he's never met my girlfriend.
One-on-One Date: Caila and Jared
Caila chooses Amanda's favorite type of top for a horseback ride on the beach.
Even if it's popular, is it necessary for EVERY woman on the show to wear these?
They swim, pour some drinks, propose a toast, and snog. The dates in Paradise are really uneventful when they aren't weird.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Without context, I give you the continued adventures of Daniel, MVP of Season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise:
This happened for no reason beyond "Vinny was asleep". Thank you for treating this show with the respect it deserves, Daniel!
Josh and Amanda are still snogging whereas Carly and Sarah are bumming about their lack of snogging. Izzy and Lace each receive a date card, suggesting they go on a double-date. Lace considers her and Grant a day-one couple despite her full-day, day-one dalliance with Chad.
Jared and Caila return from their date and are prompted to recap it. No one shows much enthusiasm, least of all Emily, who feels "like she's a little too perfect, but that's what Jared wants." You're not wrong, Emily. Unfortunately you are relegated to second interest by Jared, who tells her he's going to explore things with Caila.
Double Date: Lace and Grant, Vinny and Izzy
The dinner portion of this double date consists of both couples trying to be mature because the situation would seem to demand it. The result is uncomfortable in the way any double date with a couple you barely know would be. Look, y'all, you have time to grow up naturally; don't force it.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Carly is confident enough in Evan's understanding of their platonic relationship to join Sarah in inviting Daniel and Evan over for a double date. I'm sure you'll be shocked, but Evan is not clear on that point. Daniel opens the date by eating a plate of brocolli:
It's okay, Daniel, you're still putting in the best performance of the season. That seems like a lot of broccoli, though.
Daniel's mind is clouded by the broccoli overload and becomes the first to claim Evan looks handsome on this show, and perhaps ever. He encourages Carly and Evan to kiss again, but Carly is disappointed in Evan's inability to be normal. The ladies go to sleep after Carly shuts Evan down, but shortly after, a concerned Producer unsuccessfully tries to rouse Evan, triggering an emergency medical response.
Evan, wake up! You're the character people most love to hate-watch! Seriously, how would they be alerted to this? I call shenanigans.
Evan seems equally confused when he's awake, which makes me think he just passed out from being really drunk and they set this up for dramatic effect. The medic even suggests someone stay in the same room with him to ensure he's alright. This is beyond preposterous, Carly finds it just weird enough to enjoy it, and decides to stay in the same bed with him. It seems like sexual assault right up until the moment she starts willingly snogging him.
Back at the Double Date
The two couples take shots at Senor Frogs before the event turns into a foam party. Ab-washing, snogging, stripping, and bodyshots ensue until their activities are interrupted by an anonymous woman throwing water on the ladies. Lace seems ready to fight until Grant's shirtless reassurances calm her down.
Thanks for preventing me from drunkenly assaulting a random bar patron!
Back at the Paradise Pad
Nick is extremely bored, mourning his relative loneliness by walking alone on the beach. As Josh and Amanda retreat to a bedroom together, ABC queues up an absurd montage including a train in a tunnel, flowers opening, and a fountain shooting into the air. Come on, guys.
The Next Morning
Haley and Emily attempt to bribe Daniel for a rose, to which he responds "The balls are in your court. The Canadian balls." Never change, Daniel.
Jared is over the moon for Caila, but someone named Ashley makes a dramatic arrival. Apparently she's in love with Jared, and claims he still sends her roses and occasionally shares a bed with her. Interesting in a very contrived way, but we'll have to wait to see what happens!
The drink tally for this episode is 72, which is much more reasonable than the 235, 102, and 47 (in one hour) we saw in earlier episodes. We'll still revisit the Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game rules this week, but at least no one was at risk of alcohol poisoning in this episode!
