Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 5: Ashley Cries, and Cries, and Cries...
Open wide, your next serving of Bachelor in Paradise is coming in whether you're ready or not! I certainly wasn't. But we're here now, so open up the Drinking Game and join me for the fifth hour of this show in three weeks.
Jared and Caila are building on their foundation from last episode when Ashley arrives. With a bit of prompting from Chris Harrison, she reveals that she and Jared have fooled around since last season, but not for at least five months. She set a goal of only crying three times this season; I think she'll top that in the first episode, because it's clear she's crazy.
Thankfully, Sarah fills me in on why this arrival is dramatic: they met on Paradise last year, and Ashley was crazy for Jared. Is crazy for Jared. It's both. Jared tries to get out in front of any drama and brings Ashley up to speed on his situation with Caila. It doesn't go over well.
Aaaand she's crying already. I'll give her some points for knowing how to cause a scene and dramatically flop on a couch, though.
Ashley quickly exceeds her goal of crying three times or less. It generates a surprising amount of sympathy from the group; she came to a show based on hooking up, called Bachelor in Paradise. Her constant crying is funnier than it is sad. Honestly, I can't figure out how she hoped this would work out, especially given the producers stagger arrivals to create as much drama as possible.
Caila apologizes to Ashley for using her date card with Jared because at some point in the past she told Ashley she wasn't going on Paradise. When do they talk about these things? Are they actually friends outside of the show? Here's what I think actually happened:
- Caila and Ashley run into each other at an ABC-sponsored Bachelor event
- Ashley, feeling threatened, puts on her crazy face and demands Caila promise she won't go out with her sorta-ex-kinda-boyfriend
- Caila saw said face (below) and agreed, trying to escape the situation as quickly as possible
I understand why you'd run, Caila, but you only deferred the crazy ex attack. Time to pay up!
Jared seems entirely aware of the extent of Ashley's insanity. Check out his body language when she threatens to just go home:
It's a tough look to master, involving equal parts dismay and resignation. Good luck, Jared.
That's the face I make when I realize the crying babies at the airport are on my flight.
One-on-One Date: Ashley and Daniel
As a storm hits the Paradise Pad, Daniel and Ashley sit down to dinner. Ashley felt like he was her only option, and Daniel wastes no time, immediately asking Ashley if she is, as rumored, a virgin. He follows this by asking if she's curious or goes both ways, joking (maybe?) that he only does on Fridays.
Ashley refers to Jared as "her boyfriend who doesn't touch her". I try not to give unsolicited relationship advice, but this is an easy one: if a man or woman is not interested in touching you, but is interested in touching other people, he or she is not interested in dating you. You may be able to hold them emotionally hostage for a while, but it's best to move on.
Daniel's uniquely Canadian charm persists, culminating in the best suggestive look since Tormund eyed Brienne.
Daniel is ready to get frisky. His words!
ABC can't let Daniel steal the show forever, so the dinner is interrupted by a staged kidnapping of Ashley for a virgin sacrifice. Daniel sees Ashley taken away by costumed men and CALMLY PROCEEDS TO EAT HIS DINNER!
All of the knucks to you, Daniel.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Jared frets about Ashley's impact on his day-old relationship with Caila, Josh and Amanda continue testing the limits of mutual mouth exploration, and a new member arrives. Jen, who was on Ben's season, gets an effective rundown of the couples from the twins. Her options are Nick, Daniel, and Evan. So Nick and Daniel, basically. She uses her date card with Nick, and after they leave to get ready, Carly considers the possibility that Evan faked an illness to spend more time with her. Disturbingly, she and Sarah find it flattering. A medical official of some kind (she has a coat!) tells Evan he should be resting in a hospital, and he invites Carly on the trip. He is the worst.
One-on-One Date: Jenna and Nick
Jenn and Nick go on the standard yacht-to-a-private-beach date, where the producers feel compelled to linger on Jen's chest for a few seconds. Seems unnecessary, with them in swimsuits the entire time, but okay by me! The major downside of this date is that the secluded beach is crawling with crabs who make snogging difficult. Seriously, it's like a Hitchcock movie with crustaceans:
Just swim back to the yacht and snog there! It's not worth the risk!
One-on-One Medical "Emergency" Date: Carly and Evan
The producers continue forcing this relationship, and they seem to be succeeding. Carly professes her renewed interest in Evan. This is why we can't have nice things, Carly!
Back at the Paradise Pad
Ashley wastes an entire morning at an open bar resort in Mexico crying in bed. Caila feels bad for no perceptible reason.
The Cocktail Party
Jared kicks things off by reassuring Caila about the crazy ex-girlfriend situation. Nick tells Ashley straight up she's obsessed rather than in love. Dropping truth bombs, Nick! I dig it!
Despite Nick's efforts, Ashley takes Jared aside to cry at him and generally look insane. Jared is trying not to look like a jerk on national television, and could really use an assist from someone, perhaps grabbing him by the arm and leading him back to the bar. The man needs a rescue! Get him out of there! He's giving the universal signal!
This still works with the babies on an airplane analogy, only now you've realized you forgot your headphones and your fan is broken.
This episode ends with "To Be Continued" like almost all of them this season, so we'll be back next week to find out what happens with crazy Ashley and the rest of the gang!
This episode racked up 51 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game. I would like to donate mine to poor Jared.
