JoJo Fletcher Bachelorette Recap Episode 2: The Deli Meat Massacre
Welcome back, everyone! JoJo has already used one tenth of the time allotted to identify her life partner. Let's see how much progress she can make this week!
JoJo starts by reminding us that she fell in love with Ben last season, and now she's hoping to find the same love he and Lauren found. Does she mean the love not quite strong enough to be exclusive to one person?
A number of the guys are already smitten, but only one of them can win the worst outfit award. I'm looking at you...*checks notes* ...*remembers he doesn't take notes for this show*...Robbie?
My white tee and stubble say I don't care, but my hairstyling and button-down beg to differ!
Grumpy BadScruff (Chad) drops an F bomb in his toast, declaring himself the target for every other contestant in the house. This can work if played correctly, but it feels a bit early to lose the support of every other participant. As he continues scheming, he ties a suitcase full of protein powder to a weight belt and does some pull-ups outside. I think we've all been there.
Fifth Element E.D. Doctor (Evan) reads the first group date card, including himself, Luke, Grant, Will, Daniel the Drunk Canadian, Vinny, Ali, James F, a guy named Welsh? with a sock on his head, and Robbie. As they prepare to depart, a limo catches fire in the driveway! Not a single guy moves to call 911 or look for a fire hydrant or anything, which reflects poorly on their calm under pressure. Maybe that's why Lil Rodgers never made it off the practice squad. JoJo arrives on a fire truck and douses the limo fire just in the nick of time; I'm sure it would have gone out on its own, but with that much hair gel around, you never know! The group date is at a fire academy. I really don't remember Welsh from the premiere, but he looks nervous. Everyone should be nervous because Grant is actually a firefighter, which feels like a real advantage. As the men "train", JoJo declares it the hottest date she's ever been on, either as a fantastic pun or a sad reflection on her dating history. Daniel the Drunk Canadian makes a masturbation joke during his one-on-one time with the camera. Is he drunk again? It doesn't seem very Canadianly of him. Wells (makes much more sense) is riding the struggle bus like only a DJ from Tennessee in firefighter training can. He flunks the test, but is comforted by JoJo as he rehydrates. Sorry Wells, that's not how you win the Bachelorette. Despite his feeble demonstration, he's selected along with Luke and Grant for the final competition: a race through a series of obstacles to JoJo, "trapped" on the roof. Luke starts in the lead, but Grant makes up ground before they reach the base of the building. Grant wins the race to the top. Knucks to you, Grant, but only casual Knucks because it is your job.
JoJo, I really want to know how Grant surprised you here. Did you expect someone other than the professional firefighter to win the firefighter competition? If so, I have a lot of bets to make with you.
Pop Quiz! JoJo says "_______ is amazing. He was such a trooper today. It was so tough for him, but he never gave up." Is she talking about A) a four year old who finished his first soccer game? or B) a contestant on this show?
If you picked "a contestant on this show", you're correct! Wells gets the "nice try little kid" treatment from the woman he hopes to fall in love with. He's losing, even more than he was as Welsh. The cocktail party continues, and she learns that Fifth Element has kids and Luke has a military background. JoJo dives right into past relationships with Luke, which would be a faux pas in real life, but not so much when you only have 8.5 weeks to find someone to propose to you. Luke gets some hand-on-leg action and follows up with snogging on the balcony. Knucks, Luke.
Wells wins the group date rose, because being bad at stuff always works out. Hopefully that rule applies to these recaps.
Derek gets the one-on-one date, deeply unnerving Lil Rodgers. I would give a lot to see such uncertainty on his brother's face against Da Bears, even once. Derek and JoJo's one-on-one date is a choose-your-own-adventure story. So romantic? No one I know has ever done this, so I really don't know. They choose Sky over Sea and north over south. The latter prompts JoJo to comment that "north is pretty big". She's not wrong, but being in the northern hemisphere means that if anything, south is "bigger". You lose, JoJo. No knucks this time. JoJo and Derek get to know each other through thumb wars, which is actually sort of cute. They land in San Francisco and choose the Golden Gate Bridge over Lombard Street, despite having seen the Golden Gate Bridge just a moment ago from the airplane. Apparently it's good enough for snogging. JoJo wears a disco ball to the dinner portion of their one-on-one date
JoJo, you're quite attractive. You don't need to blind your suitors.
and I sharpen my focus for the "will anyone eat?" game. They have some perfectly acceptable (high praise from me) salads in front of them, but dive right into conversation. JoJo asks about past relationships, and to help him along reminds him she was dumped last season , causing her to close off for a little bit. Full MONTHS even. Still, no one is eating. Derek finally explains that he was ready to propose in his last relationship but "another person" got in the way. I think he means she cheated on him, but why such clumsy wording? Just say "she cheated on me". Then eat your food, someone worked hard on that! Derek gets a rose for his efforts.
Back at the house, Guitarman plays while the other contestants rehearse a song for JoJo's arrival. This angers Grumpy BadScruff. He sits with Daniel the Canadian in their matching black tank tops to discuss the competition. Grumpy BS says he warns girls to "stay away from the nice guys", because the nice guys are actually assholes, and he's actually nice despite coming off like an asshole. He truly possesses a dizzying intellect. The second date card arrives, with Lil Rodgers, Christian, Santa, Guitarman, Alex, and Grumpy BadScruff selected. No one likes him, but I can't tell if it's because he's Grumpy or because he has BadScruff. The date is at the ESPN Studio in Los Angeles, where JoJo joins Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley on SportsNation. JoJo says she loves sports, so knucks to JoJo.
The men compete in celebration dances, sober dizzy bat, and fake proposals. Everyone goes the sappy route until Grumpy BS; who goes straight for the butt-grab/one-knee combo. When she asks for a little more flair, he calls her "naggy". They say "when everyone zigs, you zag", and Grumpy zagged hard here. In mock interviews, every guy labels Grumpy BS the worst person in the house, playing right into his hands. You made him the victim! In his own dickish way, Grumpy BS makes a very good point: "y'all don't know her yet. You can't be in love with her. If you are, that's weird." Truth bomb courtesy of Grumpy BS; JoJo digs it. Max and Marcellus announce their rankings, placing Alex third, Grumpy BS second, and Guitarman first. Grumpy BS is decidedly grumpy.
At the cocktail party, Guitarman reads JoJo a poem, continuing a tradition I wish never started. JoJo starts crying though, so I guess it worked, and he earns some very light snogging. Alex is next, who Grumpy BS identifies as short. Unfortunately he's right, and that can be an issue with some ladies. Grumpy gets his one-on-one time and maintains his policy of extreme honesty. JoJo gets some more information out of him, learning his last relationship was four years ago and his mom passed away recently. Grumpy BS's effective demonstration of vulnerability buys him a ticket to Snog City. A very dramatic Guitarman would rethink his whole life if Chad gets a rose. I wonder if it would encourage him to stop being Guitarman. No one really wants Guitarman at their parties, James. That's why everyone loves the Guitarman scene with John Belushi in Animal House. He manages to win the group date rose, though.
Back at the Bachelor Mansion, Grumpy BS is waiting at the front door when JoJo arrives. Knucks for drinking something brown, Grumps.
He takes advantage of the opportunity to talk one-on-one with JoJo and distance himself further from the "immature" guys waiting inside. Unsurprisingly, his walking in with JoJo causes great consternation. Chase starts the cocktail party by leading JoJo away while the other guys complain about Grumpy BadScruff. They invite him to talk with them, and he accepts after making a plate of food. This guy is my new favorite contestant of all time. No progress is made, and Alex says "Winter is Coming". I'm not sure he understands what it means, but now I have to figure out how drinking game rules work across shows. Didn't see that coming! Chase has set up fake snow somehow (do they have a personal effects budget?) and talks about winter sports with JoJo. Meanwhile, Grumpy BS has assembled a plate FULL of lunch meat, which he sets to eating with his hands. I guess he's watching his carbs, but he should toothpick them at least. In his defense, the roast beef looks delicious. For some reason his competition can't stop talking about him. Somebody I don't remember and JoJo TP the Bachelor Mansion, fitting Grumpy BS's "immaturity" narrative perfectly. He interrupts Alex to get some more time with JoJo, feeding the flames of their hate, before proceeding to display more vulnerability. The concerned mob confronts Grumpy BadScruff awkwardly, and he compares it to both the scene in West Side Story and being threatened by a group of Care Bears. Grumpy, you get all the points and all the knucks.
Grumpy BadScruff interrupts Evan, who lacks the testicular fortitude to just ask for more time. Alex tries to confront Grumpy BS, but fails to stay on message and calls him a "meltdown" which feels weak.
Grumpy BS brings more lunch meat to the rose ceremony, and I really don't know how to react. I've never seen anyone eat the food on this show when it's prepared for a one-on-one date, and this dude is eating lunch meat with his bare hands as he awaits judgment! I think he's overdoing it personally, but damn it's entertaining.
I call it, The Embodiment of Confidence
Survivors: Alex, Christian, Derek, Robbie, Wells, Luke, Guitarman, Chase, Lil Rodgers, Grant, Ali, Daniel the Drunk Canadian, James-I-Don't-Remember, Santa, Vinny, Fifth Element, aaaaaaaaaand...Grumpy BadScruff. I am super excited to watch this play out!
Farewell: The Bachelor Superfan, the not-a-Hipster, and someone I can't remember. "Only" seventeen men left for next week!
If you were playing the QQ Bachelor(ette) Drinking Game, you would have racked up 34 drinks based on the rules at the time! Not nearly enough for two hours. We'll keep working on it.
