JoJo Fletcher Bachelorette Recap Episode 3: Grumpy Badscruff Evolves
We're back! I apologize for the layoff between last episode's recap and this one; the lady and I were in Cancun for a wedding and the two-part, four-hour nature of this week's challenge was daunting. Three nights of all-inclusive bars have made it difficult to focus today, but it may help me survive the madness. Let's get to business.
At The House
For the first time in my memory, we're shown the condition of the house the morning after a rose ceremony. It isn't good. You could swap out the modern appliances and convince me I was back at Arizona State. Fifth Evanment is leading the hate charge against Grumpy BadScruff, but starts at a disadvantage because he chose to wear this number:
Ugh.
Grumpy BS and Daniel the Drunken Canadian discuss weightlifting and attempt simple addition. By now you shouldn't be optimistic about math skills on this show, but it doesn't go well. 240 + 280 does NOT equal 550, but no one even comments on it! Chris Harrison gives them an overview of the week before going back to doing whatever the hell he does with the rest of his time. His job is the best. Chase gets the first one-on-one date of the week and reacts like a normal human being. It's troubling to see a normal person on this show.
Everyone in the house is working out in tank tops or less. You likely weren't aware, but my stance on male tank tops is simple: only wear them if you're in a tank. I guess I've always known this is what they get up to at the house, but it's still odd to see. Fifth Evanment watches Grumpy BS and Daniel the Drunken Canadian exercise and suggests they may find love with one another. I think that's an offensive assumption, but I'll leave that up to the readers.
Grumpy BS continues his theatrics, and tough talk builds along with the dramatic background music. Based on my experience it will fizzle quickly enough. And, with no resolution, they're all in a limo heading to the date.
One-on-one with Chase
Our prospective life partners meet at a yoga studio with an instructor who immediately brings up the i-word. That's right: intimate. Two people on their first date react exactly as awkwardly as you would hope.
"I'm sorry, what now?"
After some pelvic thrusts and tantrums, the instructor has JoJo jump right up on Chase's lap, creating the most genuinely intimate moment this show has ever produced. They feel a real effect, and move into the deep snogging position after their instructor conveniently disappears. As an experienced Bachelorette Balloon Popper, I'd like them to know prolonged eye contact creates these feelings in complete strangers. Which is what you were a few hours ago. So you're in the same boat as JoJo and a few other people, Chase. After yoga (and hopefully a shower) they discuss the date and avoid looking at their plates of...chicken wings and veggies? Eh, maybe I don't blame them quite as much this time around. I might pass on this too:
What are those, though?
Chase came from a home of divorce but handles JoJo's questions about the prospects of a reality TV couple admirably. Knucks for defusing a dangerous situation with a noncommittal but honest answer, and the rose it earned you, Chase.
They step outside for the first private concert of the season where JoJo goes right into snogging. Chase made some big strides today! If only there weren't sixteen other people on her mind going into next episode.
Group Date #1
Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel the Drunken Canadian, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Grumpy BadScruff arrive at a storytelling show focused on sex secrets. The responses range from terrified to horrified to excited to determined. Daniel the Drunken Canadian urges Grumpy BadScruff to have some liquid courage, which I agree with given the circumstances. Somehow Fifth Evanment says the phrase "I think the Man Gloves might come out today" in a very serious voice.
- Grant shares a story about being interrupted and arrested by the police while losing his virginity
- James follows with another inexperienced story (probably the easiest material on short notice)
- Lil Rodgers talks about fluffing, making me think of George "I WAS IN THE POOL!" Costanza
- Ari felt a mustache
- Vinny was interrupted by his mom
- Daniel cut a girl's hair?
- Wells recalls a threesome
- ManGloves Evan (congrats on the new nickname!) discusses the dangers of using steroids, directly calling out Chad
Grumpy BS causes a minor stir when he tears Mangloves's shirt when they cross paths. He invites JoJo to the stage and goes for a kiss but gets the cheek instead. Grumpy BadScruff has evolved into Angry BadScruff, and the editing leads us to believe a real fight will happen. Don't get your hopes up.
At the cocktail reception, Lil Rodgers opens up enough to discuss his last relationship and insecurities and walls. It's compelling enough to earn a little snogging. Angry BadScruff interrupts another heart-to-heart, and JoJo breaks new franchise ground by asking him to wait his turn. Thank you, JoJo! Knucks to you!
ManGloves pokes the bear until everyone gets uncomfortable enough to walk away. He's now noticeably slurring and even more noticeably stalking in the background of each shot. When he gets some time of his own, JoJo gives him the quarter-turn leg-cross. Classic defensive posture.
This is body language for "you sat down too close to me".
ManGloves interrupts, prompting Angry BS to storm-off and point out the Fifth Element likeness!!! This is a big win for everyone, especially me. ManGloves tells JoJo he's leaving the show if Angry BS sticks around, and JoJo responds by offering him the group date rose. The ensuing kiss does not qualify as snogging, but Angry BadScruff has evolved again to Tempestuous BadScruff, creating the most awkward situation to-date.
One-on-one with James T
Dressed in some pretty sweet old school clothes, our romantic couple du jour takes swing dance lessons at an old-school hotel. It looks rough at first, but in the most shocking turn of the season I'm actually qualified to assess first time swing dancers! They definitely aren't any worse than my attempt. Knucks to you both!
They join a larger group in the street and James continues to score points with an endearingly goofy and down-for-anything attitude. At dinner, JoJo brings up her breakup with Ben, triggering a classic male response: arm around the shoulders, avoid letting the speaker see your shock and confusion as you process what to do next. Here it is in action:
JoJo gives him a rose and he brings out his guitar. I'm back off the James T bandwagon, because I can't support THAT Guy no matter the context. He sounds pretty good, though.
Back at the House
Derek is uncomfortable sleeping in the same room as Tempestuous BadScruff, so they've hired a security guard to patrol the house. Daniel the Drunken Canadian talks to Tempestuous BadScruff while he feeds on a raw sweet potato. He tries to make an allusion to Hitler and Mussolini; even Tempestuous BadScruff finds this offensive, but consoles himself with a head of lettuce. There's a lot to unpack here. Is it okay to make Hitler comparisons in Canada? Is eating raw sweet potatoes and plain lettuce leaves a thing people do? This is DEFINITELY offensive.
You missed some there, Chad.
Chris arrives to announce a pool party leading up to the Rose Ceremony, and is followed out the door by ManGloves, who summarizes the situation with Tempestuous BadScruff. Chris walks TBS outside and demands he apologize to the group to move the show along. He allows this directive to flow in one ear and out another and enters the house with violence on his mind.
If you were playing the QQ Bachelor(ette) Drinking Game, you would have racked up 34 drinks based on the rules at the time! Not nearly enough for two hours. We'll keep working on it.
