Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 7: Rejoice and Consume! Consume and Rejoice! Everyone Eats!
When we left off last week, Kevin and Astrid were moving past an all-time blunder, Jordan was wigging out over Jenna and Benoit, and Leo was losing his mind mere hours (I think?) before a Rose Ceremony. If you missed any of the action, you can find my recap here. If not, let's pull up our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game and dive right in!
I have a bold prediction, y'all: I don't think Leo's taunt of "grocery store b****" will lead to any actual punches. I know, the "coming up" segment never misleads us; I just want you to be prepared.
Astrid is confident Leo's aggressive behavior will have him going home. Joe interrupts his ranting and leads Kendall away to slow things down and offer some rare genuine wisdom:
This dude's normcore approach to existence would be truly inspirational were he not teaching adults these lessons. He seems like a Lebowski fan.
He gets a snog, and then we're back to the Benoit-Jenna-Jordan situation. Benoit foolishly goes to Jenna for clear answers and encounters a miasma of nonsense. Sorry Benoit, no one can vibe on the same level of gibberish as Jenna and Jordan.
Jenna polishes off her drink in short order and walks away crying, which of course troubles Jordan. Unfortunately, he asks Jenna for an explanation, and encounters the same problem Benoit did:
Jordan, flashing back to the point of his education at which he folded it in and turned to modeling
Jordan goes to confront Benoit, learns from Wells that Jenna was exaggerating when she said Benoit "yelled", and shifts to snark. His venting to the other Paradise bros gives Colton the chance to make a surprise appearance as the sarcastic goader (one of my favorite social archetypes, much to my fiancée's and friends' dismay), leading to this exchange:
Jordan: When you care about someone, that's your business. You f****** with my business. You opened up my briefcase, and I don't like your little French fingers going through it. Just stop opening up my briefcase, bro. Cause it's been closed.
Wells: What's in your briefcase?
Jordan: Some f*****' passion! That's it. It's just an empty briefcase full of passion.
Colton: If my business was gonna be something I was carrying, would it be...what would it be?
Jordan: Your business? It would definitely be like a...like a travel duffel.
Colton: Like a Louis duffel?
Jordan: You could do a Louis duffel.
Colton: That would be sick. Cool.
Jordan: I've just got a little briefcase. Like, maybe a portfolio in there, or something. And some passion.
Colton: Some head shots? And then a lot of passion.
John, Connor, Leo, Benoit, and David are left to vie for Chelsea's affection. Presented with Benoit's anxiety, she offers timeless advice:
“You’ve got to stay as sane as you can. Tequila helps.”
Chelsea blatantly invites him to snog soon after, and he picks up on the hint.
A date card arrives for Eric, who immediately invites Angela. Kevin and Astrid are a bit disappointed, but Kevin puts together a pretty legitimate relaxation station complete with champagne, gummy bears, and a sweet mock TV:
Do something less endearing so I can make fun of you! Damn Canadians being polite and thoughtful and reasonable...
He (wisely) apologizes once more for his odd comments last week, they snog, and everything seems to be back to normal for our MVPs.
One-on-One Date: Eric and Angela
A woman greets the couple and leads them down a hallway to a posh room, strewing flower petals in her wake. But the real luxury is on the other side of the door, where they find plush robes and an appropriate amount of champagne for two people on a romantic date night (see below). The champagne is followed quickly with a monstrous ice cream creation and a delightful-looking cheese spread:
They should have called down to the front desk for more just to get a reaction
First of all: yum. Secondly, a lot of questions: is the bowl as deep as it looks, or is there a pile of ice under the rim to prevent the ice cream from melting too quickly? Why so much brittle? Is it strong enough to be used as a spoon? Do the cones look like a mediocre mashup of a vanilla cone and an éclair to anyone else? We need answers!
Why did they skimp on the cheese? C'mon, only nine different kinds to sample? What is this, amateur hour?
Joe is starting to feel better about he and Kendall with Leo in the rearview, but John is determined to make headway with someone. He leads Kendall off to one of the daybeds while Leo presses Joe on how he feels. As Joe gets some counseling from Eric, John and Kendall snog. She does not look impressed:
Always leave 'em looking like they watched Big Bang Theory without the laugh track
She seeks out Joe soon after and confesses to snogging, and Joe is predictably unenthusiastic. Her explanation would produce extreme skepticism under any other circumstances, but hey, this is Paradise!
“I’m going through all these things, and I have like all these curiosities, and I feel like the real reason why I keep trying to distract myself with curiosity is because I’m falling for you. ”
Kendall and Joe snog, and Joe has clearly come to terms with the Paradise lifestyle like no contestant before:
I mean...yeah, fair enough.
The Cocktail Party
Annaliese kicks things off with a nice toast, Krystal tacks on an almost identical one, and then Leo steps in:
“I’ve got a toast, uhh, instead of doing some cliche, I want to get a little real, you know? Uhh, this is a toast to, uh, Kendall, we had a great first date, and it was one of the best first dates I’ve ever been on, y’know? And uhh, it was a shame to find out that you were kind of full of s***. I’m looking around the room, and I’m kind of seeing a lot of people that are full of s***, and all I’m saying is the world has enough bull-s*** to have me add on to it, so...good luck with Grocery Store b**** over there.”
Joe confronts him on the way out, Leo repeats his insult, a drink is thrown, and the Paradise crew rushes in...
It doesn't make it any further. Leo is escorted off the Paradise grounds, and the rest of the crowd settles down. Joe seems to have made another positive impression on Kendall, and thankfully Krystal offers her sage and crystals to rid the scene of Leo's bad juju. Chris Harrison arrives (whoa!) to kick things off, Colton offers a rebound toast, and John, Benoit, David, and Connor turn their attention to Chelsea while the couples spread out.
Colton manages to scrounge up a far-too large stack of hot dogs for Tia, who's from a town named Weiner.
What, are Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi joining the cast next?
We get another instance of Lady-and-the-Tramp-ing as Kevin and Astrid look on with a mixture of bemusement and horror.
Jordan and Jenna continue vibing in their own unique way, and seem to genuinely be in the clear:
Attention span, emotional stability, hair grooming...yep, it all checks out.
Chelsea continues auditioning Benoit, John, Connor, and David for her rose. David doesn't help his chances, approaching her as a friend and essentially pleading for a mercy rose so they can both find love with someone else. John doesn't do much more, hitting her with the old "hand-hug", but he gets a snog for his efforts.
Tia accurately identifies Connor as a douchebag while he orders a tequila-soda from Wells...in a champagne flute. In case you were wondering, don't.
Connor finally makes his move on Chelsea and foregoes conversation in favor of asking for a snog. Benoit approaches and reassures her that her single-motherness isn't an issue; they snog.
The Rose Ceremony
Chelsea comes into the ceremony with all eyes on her, most intently David's, Benoit's, Connor's, and John's. Let's get through these before I die of snark listening to everyone claim they're "falling in love":
- Krystal chooses Chris
- Kendall chooses Joe
- Tia chooses Colton
- Jenna chooses Jordan
- Astrid chooses Kevin (MVPs! MVPs! MVPs!)
- Annaliese chooses Kamil
- Angela chooses Eric
- Chelsea chooses John
With that, Benoit, Connor, and David are all headed home. That's what you get for putting your fingers in Jordan's briefcase, I guess. Benoit takes the wrong lesson from the experience:
“There’s probably something wrong about me, because [bleep], this thing’s just not working.”
The Next Morning
Wow, savage start to the day. Get a load of this:
I don't understand how we don't see Annaliese crying after this. You just got dunked on by someone from another country with this classic when you asked what time it was! SO much more devastating than her other experiences this season
Our newest arrival is Olivia. Armed with a date card, she sets her eyes on Joe first, who openly acknowledges his standing with Kendall. Kamil does the same with Annaliese, and John is her next target. He's obviously the least entangled, and accepts Olivia's invitation.
One-on-One Date: Olivia and John
The "quiet, romantic evening" promised by the date card turns into an awkwardly quiet arrival at a medium-sized gathering. The event is a quinceañera for someone named Cobreli. This is definitely the most awkward setup I've seen on this franchise, but it gives us this 1:05:00
I've heard a lot of nightmare dating stories, but if someone asks you to a stranger's 15th birthday party on a first date, RUN. Also, call the authorities.
The couple gets some dancing in before wandering off for a snog as the quinceañera breaks up.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Chris gets oddly aggro about John going on a date while eating grapes off the stem, because he's an uncomfortable weirdo. Does it count as a nice gesture that he calls Chelsea a "smoking hot mom from Maine" and a "smoke show" before feeding Krystal some of the same grapes he's been palming? I think not.
The newest arrival is Cassandra, a veteran of at least two franchise stints who I remember nearly nothing about. She takes Colton aside and he politely deflects her towards other men. Her second conversation is more productive: Eric says he's open and Cassandra asks him on the date. This doesn't go over well with Angela:
Pssst! Eric! It's not fine, my dude. Good luck with Cassandra; I would not recommend approaching Angela when you get back unless it's on your knees.
Angela melts down with the Paradise women's support group, everyone starts questioning their own relationships, and we get sent off into next week.
Knucks
- Everyone for comfortably eating on camera
- Kamil for dropping the hammer on Annaliese when she had the audacity to ask what time it was in Paradise
- Colton for egging Jordan on when he saw his metaphor was a disaster
- Kevin for finding and/or setting up the awesome TV outline for his relaxation session with Astrid
Demerits
- Benoit for crying after one week on the show and an attempt at connecting with an extremely unstable woman
- Connor for ordering all of his drinks in champagne flutes
- Krystal for publicly advocating the use of sage and crystals for everything
That's all for Episode 7! We tallied 79 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules, thanks to the cast simultaneously breaking their multi-week fasts. Tune in next week to see if Eric survives his next encounter with Angela!
