Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 6: Jordan vs. Benoit for the Jenna Championship of Paradise
When we left off last week, Leo had swept half the women off their feet by flipping his flowing locks, Jordan was writing in the sand to make himself look less childish, and Chris Harrison was off sipping a drink with an umbrella in it. If you missed any of the action, you can find my recap here. If not, let's pull up our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game and dive right in!
The episode begins with a halfhearted football game on the beach while Daniel gets us up to speed on the relationships in Paradise. Most of the relationships seem strong, but two love triangles require sorting: one between Jordan, Jenna, and Benoit and another between Leo, Kendall, and Joe.
Jordan's rage from last episode does not abate watching Benoit snog his former flame:
At least it's clear Jordan has Jenna's long-term well-being in mind. What would her life be like with such mediocre discus skills?
Chris and Krystal snog on the beach while Astrid wanders by and accurately sums up the situation:
“They’re basically two aliens from a different planet, but they’re from the same planet, so it just works.”
You can't blame Krystal when the man is as smooth as Chris, who compliments her posterior and describes women's butts as "one of the most important things" to him. Unfortunately, his smooth talking will have to compete with the newest arrival, Connor.
Jenna and Krystal are quick to ogle, and it seems like we might have a light at the end of the Goose tunnel. He pretends not to be concerned, but Joe sees right through it:
Amen, Joe. We could do with more rapid issue resolution on this show.
Krystal tells Connor she's smitten with Chris, and encourages him to look somewhere else to find a rose on such short notice. She relays the news to Chris, they snog, and all seems peaceful in Paradise...
which of course can't last, so Connor asks Krystal on the date anyway. After a pause, she accepts, and the Goose is grumps:
"Playing it cool" probably doesn't work as well in an environment full of people hand-picked for their physical attractiveness, Goose.
One-on-One Date: Connor and Krystal
In one of the more interesting but less traditionally romantic dates in Paradise, Krystal and Connor are buried in the sand to meditate and get in touch with their minds, or something. Naturally(?) the meditation leads to a snurf. That was pretty much it.
Ahh, so relaxing when a guy you've never met shovels dirt around your faces. Big aphrodisiac as well, apparently.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Chris descends into madness while Jordan tries to recover from his previous gaffes with Jenna. He walks her to a daybed and tells her he'd "always hang out with her" if he could. If that's not the kind of line you'd expect a proposal soon after, i don't know what is. It's good enough, they snog, and for a moment it appears Jordan may have retaken the lead. He certainly thinks so, but when Jenna pulls Benoit aside, they end up snogging rather than breaking anything off.
Seeing this, Jordan is motivated to ask Benoit for a conversation and rave at him until he gives up. It doesn't really work, probably because Benoit understands Jordan well:
Remember: this is coming from a man who has entered the Bachelor Winter Games and Bachelor in Paradise, and it seems reasonable.
Not to be outdone, Jordan responds in his confessional with a confusing but potentially sick burn. I don't know, you tell me:
“I pretty much dragged my [bleep] across Benoit’s baguette, and choked it down his throat.”
Astrid sympathizes with Chris, and Kenny tells Annaliese he needs to leave Paradise to make it to his daughter's dance recital. I like Kenny a lot, but it seems like something he'd be aware of prior to showing up in Paradise, doesn't it? It's far down the list of questionable decisions on this show, so we'll still give him some knucks for making the right choice:
For some reason, the editors show Annaliese crying and blowing her nose on camera again.
Krystal and Connor return from their date to find Chris awkwardly waiting around. He asks Krystal for a conversation, fishes for some reassurance, and comes up empty:
Did Chris just get "yada-yada"d? It's also strangely reminiscent of Chelsea's blatant dismissal of Nick earlier this season
The Next Morning
We learn that Jubilee also decided to leave the show after John friend-zoned her. Annaliese is feeling lost, which would normally inspire sympathy, but at this point her plight is as tired as the Colton-and-Tia storyline. Really, ABC? We've reached this point?
"Why is love hard? All anyone ever talks about is how easy it is!" Give it up now, Annaliese, it only gets worse. Just ask Tauriel.
Kamil is the next arrival and immediately asks Annaliese to step aside, where she desperately tells him she'd totally go on a date if asked. Of course, he wants to meet more than one person, and asks Krystal aside next, followed by Chelsea. Fortunately (I don't know if I can handle more of her crying), Kamil picks Annaliese.
One-on-One Date: Kamil and Annaliese
Their date involves some kind of four-wheeling up a dirt track and across a bridge, which prompts Annaliese to blatantly lie to us:
“It’s been a really long time since I’ve like, had these kinds of giddy feelings about a guy, and oh, it’s a really good feeling to have.”
They proceed to swim near a waterfall before snogging and Annaliese is fully in overdrive. See that? It was an off-roading joke (I think)!
Back at the Paradise Pad
Chelsea sweats her situation and expresses longing for her son. Kevin creates a very messy situation of his own with a perplexing move:
Dude, you need to add an "other people" filter to whatever engine powers your brain
It goes over about as well as you'd expect, and Astrid walks away crying. He follows up with a semi-rational point about Paradise being an unrealistic starting point for a relationship, and now everyone is crying. He even acknowledges his own insecurities driving his ill-advised comment, apologizes, and they finish a calm, composed conversation. Like adults. Wait, what show am I watching?
This behavior belongs elsewhere! On the bright side, Kevin pronounced "out" lke "oot" shortly after that, which was amusing.
Jordan swoops in on Jenna when Benoit walks away to do something silly like use the restroom, and the Js head off to have a conversation. If there's an opposite of Astrid and Kevin's conversation, it's this one. Neither talks much, she throws sand on his stomach and feet, and something tells her she needs to turn Benoit away. He doesn't respond well.
I actually really like his phrasing, but his decision to (awkwardly) throw a football into the ocean multiple times is highly questionable
Kendall's heart is with Leo, but she's somehow avoided the gossip that Leo snogged Chelsea just after returning from their date. Kevin accidentally spills the beans when Kendall seeks him out for advice.
Kendall confronts Leo with her newfound knowledge, and he uses minimum effort to evade her questioning before making a scene about snitches.
So much bad news for you, Leo. You're not in the mob, your actions are recorded and televised nationally, and you're behaving like a twat.
Kevin, once again demonstrating uncommon maturity for this show, decides to approach Leo and confess to telling Kendall about Leo's snogging charades. Leo predictably explodes, and Kevin's response officially moves he and Astrid from "my current favorite" to "Paradise Hall of Fame power couple":
“In the words of Justin Trudeau: ‘Canadians, we are polite, we are reasonable, but we will not be pushed around.’ Leo, remember that, go [bleep] yourself.”
Leo shifts his ranting from Kevin, to Wells, to Chelsea, to the confessional camera, and finally to Kendall. He puts on a deeply condescending voice, calls her an actress, and generally spews nonsense for a while. Joe moves in to interrupt, and we get sent to the credits.
Knucks
- Astrid and Kevin for behaving so rationally I (momentarily) became invested in their relationship
- Astrid for hearing Kevin out despite an extremely misguided comment
- Kevin for shifting from apology to go-[bleep]-yourself with Leo the moment he realized it was pointless
- Benoit for introducing the phrase "this is not cool to hear" to my lexicon
- ABC for dialing down the Colton and Tia content
Demerits
- Leo for everything he did in an attempt to look tough on snogging snitches
- Annaliese for failing to improve upon her reputation as the frightened crier of the Bachelor franchise
- Kevin for suggesting he'd feel better if his thus-far monogamous Paradise partner went on dates with other guys
That's all for Episode 6! We tallied 96 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules, heavily aided by platonic "I love you"s upon Kenny's departure. Tune in next week to see if Chris Harrison sets a new record for appearances since his season-high of 11!
