Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 2: More Colton and Tia, but also Luchadores!
In full transparency, I wasn't thrilled to see the double-dipping of Bachelor in Paradise return. Three commercial-free hours of this show in one week is a bit much, but at least last week's episode showed people eating on camera and laid some solid groundwork for the rest of the season. Of course, they'll probably squander their strong start by spending the entire season watching Tia follow Colton around like a puppy dog, but we can take a shot either way. Let's pull up the rules for our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game and get into the action!
The first matter of business is resolving the impending conflict between Chris and Colton over their shared interest in Tia. Confrontations on this franchise are always extraordinarily productive, and I'm sure this will be no exception. Chris asks Colton if Tia is the only object of his attention, and I'm put in the awkward position of agreeing with Colton:
“I’m exploring other options. Tia’s still on the board too. What do you mean you can’t do that? This is Paradise, bro.”
Astrid wastes no time drawing the details of the date out of Tia, reinforcing her standing as my favorite member of the cast this season:
"Did you guys *smoochie noise*? Did your vagina dance?"
At least someone isn't surprised that Tia's date with Chris didn't shift her focus from the man she's been obsessing over since before showing up on set. Tia's head-over-heels, and Colton is...not.
Uhh...then this happens:
Every woman I know is wild about 30-year-olds who idolize Daniel LaRusso. I imagine this is what Tindr is like.
I don't have a lot of hard-and-fast rules, but I've added "calling yourself 'The Goose' and putting a headband on for whatever this is in public" just below "don't look for a lasting connection on a competitive dating show" on the short list.
The first date card arrives, and Kenny is our lucky winner. He takes the opportunity to get a sense for who might be his best choice, and spends some time with every woman on set. Kevin doesn't appreciate his conversation with Krystal (the girl he snogged last week), but this is Paradise and of course that's who Kenny picks.
Jordan thinks he may have a connection with Annaliese, and plans a diner date for them. I don't know how Jordan is the first to use this to his advantage, since I'm positive he isn't supplying or cooking the food, but it naturally infuriates Chicken-David. The complaint is classic: my competitor isn't here to find love. On a show called Bachelor in Paradise?! No way!
Unsanctioned One-on-One? Jordan and Annaliese
Jordan puts on a regular shirt and does enough to convince Annaliese that he's more than just a "Zoolander type". I have bad news for you, Annaliese: everyone on this show is a Zoolander type, and Jordan fits it best as a "professional" model. No one is cast on this show for their great intuition, so they go on to snog.
Wells is overwhelmed as the bartender in Paradise, which is ludicrous. He has roughly 18 people to serve at any given time, and I find it hard to believe any of them are ordering anything more elaborate than a vodka-soda. ABC decides to help him out by bringing Yuki in as a bartender; she was on the cast of Bachelor Winter Games, and also can't make a drink:
Maybe instead of limiting the alcohol on set they just decided to make the available drinks intolerable?
One-on-One Date: Kenny and Krystal
Kenny and Chelsea attend a Lucha libre match, which is probably the greatest date in the history of this show, if not the Bachelor franchise. Chelsea seems to be enjoying herself until one of the rudos comes for her and Kenny. This provides him with a chance to take his shirt off and flash some of his moves. Knucks to Kenny and whoever came up with this.
After the show, Kenny asks Crystal about her reputation from her season on the Bachelor. She claims the pressure and the competition of it all got to her, and Kenny likens it to his (justified) rant before pivoting into a snog.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Kevin is stewing with his former snogging partner out on a date and shifts his attention to Astrid, who's looking for a husband and a family. Instead, she gets a lizard on her boob:
Yeah that wasn't innuendo, the thing straight fell out of the sky. Probably not the action she had in mind.
A little foot rinse in the surf, and they're hopping aboard the snog train.
Bibiana asks Tia about her date with Colton, and get this: Tia is excited and hopeful! Who could have seen that coming? After spying him throwing a football with Angela, Tia impressively makes the most nonsensical statement I've ever heard:
“I can say that I deserve better. But I think until I experience it, I won’t fully appreciate it.”
But hey, it's going to be okay. Tia says she's going to stand up for herself, and there's no way she'll drop the ball on that...
The Cocktail Party
Chris Harrison makes his first appearance of the episode, dropping "Paradise" four times in 1:30 before going back to his vacation. There's widespread anxiety so soon before the rose ceremony, but I'm pretty sure Nick and Chicken-David are going home. Nick's latest attempt at connecting with Chelsea (last seen playing the "I'm tired" card to escape this exact situation) is as successful as his first.
Joe gets some extra time in with Kendall and seems to be in pretty good shape; more importantly, Kendall references The Hulk:
A rare moment of endearing nerd-dom on Bachelor in Paradise
John also has his sights set on Kendall, but I doubt he'll be able to steal Joe's rose. I kind of forgot John was on the show, so I would say he's going home...but Chelsea is more likely to pick John without speaking to him than Nick at this point. Anywho, John gets a snog with Kendall, so bottoms-up!
Chris directs another barrage of anti-Colton sentiment towards Bibiana, who basically tells him he has good cause to be concerned. She seems entirely over the Tia-Colton situation, and all I can say is:
Speaking of the season's centers of attention, Tia pulls Colton aside to hash things out. Tia turns the hypothetical tables: "It doesn't, like, make you feel any...type of way to know that like, I went on a date with Chris and I kissed him?" Colton admits it doesn't bother him, Tia stays on message and begins to cry, and the conversation ends with...her advising him to lie about his feelings in order to stay on the show. Can we please send them both home?
After their conversation mercifully comes to an end, Chris pulls Tia aside for some sweet tea and reinforces his interest in her. They snog, she appears to change her mind, and Colton moves on to chat with Angela. She asks if he's ready to move on from Becca, a question which prompts him to approach the "Three Stooges": Jordan, Nick, and Chris. It's a fitting nickname, but the confrontation quickly fizzles.
The Rose Ceremony
Drama Swamp is the next hit show debuting on A&E.
After a brief visit from Chris Harrison to remind us and the contestants about the meaning of the Rose Ceremony, we get down to business:
- Krystal picks Kenny
- Astrid picks Kevin
- Tia picks Chris, and they demonstrate rare passion:
Note the lack of exclamation points. It probably doesn't have anything to do with neither of them being the other's first choice, right?
- Kendall picks Joe
- Annaliese picks Jordan
- Nysha picks Eric
- Chelsea picks David
- Angela picks John, and finally...
Bibiana picks Colton! Presumably because she thrives on chaos and doesn't care about bloggers who just want to watch attractive people happily get drunk on the beach. Damn you, Bibiana, damn you!
Nick and Wills are headed home, leaving us with at least one more week of Colton drama, Tia drama, and Colton-Tia drama. Womp womp.
The Next Morning
Wells narrates the events to Yuki, because as you can tell, it's a very complex show to follow. Bibiana basically acknowledges I was correct about her reason for choosing Colton:
“Standing up there, waiting for everyone to decide, I was like, ‘you know what? This is who I want to give the rose to.’ And I looked straight at him and I was like, ‘We’re going in, kid. This is us.’”
What the hell does that mean? Anyway, Chris Harrison drops in to say "Paradise" five times in two minutes and introduce a special guest to only the women. It's Becca!
Kenny sneaks through the trees and catches enough of a glimpse to identify the new arrival. He brings the news back to the boys, and Colton walks away to cry on the beach in dramatic fashion:
I know, Colton. It would have been better for all of us if you had been sent home last night.
Becca pulls Tia aside for a private conversation, but it's remarkably unremarkable. Colton retreats to his room to cry, confiding in Daniel that he's been hiding his emotions since being dumped on live television. He seems determined to leave the show, but Becca is soon seeking him out for a conversation. We'll get to the details next episode!
Knucks
- Everyone who isn't Colton or Tia, for not being Colton or Tia
- Kenny, for partaking in the Lucha libre match
- Astrid, for diverting the advances of a lizard in favor of a firefighter
- Kendall, for referencing the Hulk in a romantic moment
Demerits
- Colton and Tia for being Colton and Tia
- Bibiana, for keeping the Colton and Tia drama alive
- Everyone responsible for bar management on this show
That's all for Episode 2! We racked up just 48 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules. That's entirely unacceptable for a 90 minute show, so we'll revisit them if it keeps up for Episode 3.
