Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 4: Tia Still Likes Colton and Jordan Melts Down,
When we left off last week, Tia was preparing to cook the Goose, Jordan and Jenna had found a love so simple I struggled to mock it, and Annaliese was looking lost mere hours before the Rose Ceremony. If you missed any of the action, you can find my recap here. If not, let's pull up our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game and dive right in!
After reliving the ill-advised bird calls Chris made near the end of last episode, we get down to business. Tia isn't thrilled he moved on so quickly after telling her she had nothing to worry about, but Chris defends himself by saying a snog isn't comparable to accepting a date card (which he maintains he wouldn't do). Krystal comes to join the conversation with the insights of a four-year old:
There are only three of you, Krystal. I'd love to see you try to make a different shape.
His first explanation rebuked, Chris blames Colton's presence for his actions. Krystal, unsure of how to respond to the situation, TOTALLY REDEEMS HERSELF for that triangle thing by choosing to sip her margarita rather than attempt an explanation. Knucks to you, Krystal.
It's possible she's a bit day-drunk, as her next confessional shows her inaccurately describing their situation as a square. The show has really let loose this episode, and Tia hops on whatever wagon Krystal is driving and heads off to Wells and Yuki:
Right there with ya, Tia.
Chris decides to grab some tequila as well, and Krystal seems surprised at his lack of grace or conversation skills. After a brief discussion with Angela, Krystal confirms her day-drunkenness by retreating across the pool to cry. Jordan and Bibiana each take a shot at comforting her, but the pace of her cocktail consumption suggests more crying to come. At this point, the tequila is just replenishing her tears. Don't dig into the science of that.
Tia tells Caroline about her dilemma, and you'll never believe this: she's thinking of going back to Colton. I know, it seems impossible after nearly two days of a different thought, but here we are.
Jordan continues dishing out advice like the Dr. Phil of Paradise (they're comparably credentialed) until the party is interrupted by the arrival of Jacqueline. Bibiana is here to tell us the truth about Paradise in general and the challenge of facing newcomers:
I imagine it looks and smells like a slightly less crowded version of your apartment complex pool on the Fourth of July.
Jacqueline chooses Colton for her first conversation and Tia wanders off to cry. We were briefly free from Tia's drama, and it was great seeing her call Chris on his Billy Madison-esque attempts at logic, but now I'm right back to wishing she'd just go home already.
Colton turns Jacqueline down because he's an emotional mess. I'm worried about Nysha's fate, because her reaction to this news is perfect:
Run, Nysha. Run far away from this franchise and back to...oh wait, this is somehow better than the stories I see from my friends' dating apps. Maybe just find a good hobby?
Returning to Tia, Colton captures the deep meaning of their relationship:
“I’m not about to go on a date with her, while we still have...y’know...whatever...this is.”
Watching Tia and Colton attempt to work through the problem is a waste of their time, then a waste of Bibiana and Annaliese's time. Their ineptitude is so dense even vacation time can't escape it's pull. Can we just go back to Jordan and Jenna?
Annaliese turns her attention to Kenny, so of course Jacqueline asks him on a date next. He accepts, and Chelsea sums things up nicely:
The only force powerful enough to offset hopelessness in the Bachelor-verse is desperation, and Annaliese has that in spades.
One-on-One Date: Jacqueline and Colton
Kenny leads the date with a story about his visit to Guyana, and Jacqueline responds in kind with a story about Slovakia. This is the most intellectual conversation I've seen on the show, and they proceed from (an untouched) dinner to snogging in front of some fireworks.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Annaliese isn't ready to give up, and she's procured some dessert for the returning Kenny. She cuts to the chase in an effort to secure a rose, moving quickly from generic compliments to commenting on her sexual energy. She's rewarded with a snog for her efforts.
Chelsea, seemingly shooting for the role of Paradise mom, brings a tray of desserts to the established couples. As someone who enjoys hosting I can hardly throw shade, but I'm curious about her strategy here (or if she really wants to stick around). Soon after, she's counseling Caroline as Jubilee draws John away for a quick snog. Her advice results in Caroline leading John away for a snog in the surf (a snurf?).
Kevin offers Krystal some guidance, suggesting she make her motivation clear to Chris. He has the right attitude for a Paradise matchmaker:
“Krystal and Chris...they’re like the two crazies that just deserve each other in the corner, y’know?”
He cedes the awkward seating next to Krystal to Chris, who whines a bit before leading her to one of the daybeds for a "relaxation surprise". Bad news, Chris: everyone on the show spends their time on daybeds, so it doesn't qualify as a surprise. Also unsurprising? Their brief, clumsy tangent into investments:
So close, yet so, so, so incredibly far.
The Next Morning
In events I can only assume are related, Bibiana and Krystal continue drinking while offering emotional support to Colton and Tia, respectively.
Colton pivots for no discernible reason and tells the woman-he-dumped-recently-to-go-get-dumped-by-another-woman-on-national-television he's ready to give it a go. They snog, Paradise breathes a sigh of relief while preparing for the inevitable relapse, and Bibiana drops a truth-bomb on the Goose:
I can only assume this caused a critical error in Chris's operating system. Unfortunately the logic bomb did not cause his head to explode.
The Cocktail Hour
ABC provides us with a subtle clip of a thunderstorm as the men head into the cocktail hour. Jordan's outfit provokes Shuri-esque reactions from everyone:
I guess we know what we can expect to see Jordan promote on his Instagram.
Chris Harrison makes his second appearance in two episodes to remind everyone of the stakes, and then we (finally) get back to the innuendo that makes this show great:
This was preceded by Kevin saying, "Can I feed you my sausage?" Astrid and Kevin are a beacon of light in a dark, dark Paradise
Jenna asks Jordan to do some model walks for her, and he obliges. I'm not a consumer of professional photoshoots, but what he does looks neither original nor impressive. He certainly knows how to compliment a woman though:
I know it seems absurd, but it's possible Jordan just knows his audience.
Caroline and Jubilee trade off time and snogs with John, David spends some time with Bibiana and pushes her towards Kenny. After a brief snog for those two, Kenny is off to chat with Jacqueline. They reference Edgar Allen Poe, demonstrating knowledge of at least two books. I need a drink. Finally Annaliese gets her chance with Kenny and walks him to one of the daybeds. Her surprise is a set of Luchador costumes, which is very cute but mildly inconvenient for snogging. They make do as best they can, and Annaliese claims to be confident.
In non-Kenny news, David returns his attention to Jenna and brings her a birthday present of a massive stuffed dog. It's a larger version of the gift Jordan gave her earlier, and I'm surprised David doesn't need to lie down after exerting himself. The creative drain shows when he's unable or unwilling to prevent Jordan from tossing the gift into the tide:
The outfit really takes away from the Dexter type vibes you could get from watching Jordan dump a body in the ocean.
Jordan essentially ignores Jenna and David, but he can't keep his cool and moves on to swearing at Chelsea and Jubilee. Annaliese follows to provide us with a (small, small) window into Jordan's (small, small) mind, and Eric helps encourage him to apologize. Jordan returns to the group and manages to not butcher it too badly.
The Rose Ceremony
- Jordan chooses Jenna
- David chooses Chelsea
- Kevin chooses Astrid
- Chris chooses Krystal
- John chooses Jubilee
- Joe chooses Kendall
- Colton chooses Tia
- Eric chooses Angela
- Kenny chooses Annaliese
Nysha, Bibiana, Jacqueline, and Caroline are headed home. The women will have the roses next time, but we'll have to wait until next week to see what happens!
Knucks
- Astrid and Kevin for not only eating on camera, but going full Lady and the Tramp on a sausage
- Krystal for keeping a drink in hand all episode
- Chelsea for delivering trays of food to the contestants likely drinking on empty stomachs
Demerits
- Tia and Colton for not going home
- Jordan for his romphim and tantrum
- Chris for his headband, self-supplied nickname, confrontational conversation style, and general approach to life
That's all for Episode 4! We only reached 45 drinks without the help of Jenna's bikini, so we'll need to do something our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules to smooth this chart out going forward. We'll be back later this week with Episode 5.
