JoJo Fletcher Bachelorette Recap Episode 4: Don't Poke The Chad Bear
At the House
Tempestuous BadScruff enters the house to aggressively apologize to the group and Evan. He appears to be drinking the Ooze from TMNT II; anything this green probably can't be natural:
The Secret of the Ooze (it's radiation)
The situation settles down and the pool party commences. Evan gets a bloody nose in the pool, and aspersions are cast in TBS's direction, but no explanation is given. Jordan struggles to strike the right balance between cool and mysterious. ManGloves Evan interrupts TBS, relentlessly poking the bear. Based on his demeanor thus far, I'll downgrade TBS back to Angry BadScruff. It won't take long to revert once he stops playing Survivor in the woods.
Angry BadScruff confronts Derek about his conversation with JoJo. Derek unwisely talks like a reasonable person, predictably to no effect.
JoJo goes back to maximum sparkle for the rose ceremony and announces this week's first round of survivors: James T, ManGloves Evan, Grant, Derek, Lil Rodgers, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Daniel the Drunken Canadian, Alex, and...ANGRY BADSCRUFF! Gone this round: Christian, Ali, Nick. The other contestants will hope Angry BS falls back to Grumpy BS.
JoJo and her suitors travel to a resort in the Pennsylvania woods. It looks very pretty, but I'm worried about the workout facilities. The guys might have to adopt the Rocky IV montage method to stay on track. Grumpy BadScruff warns against poking "the ChadBear". Good try GBS, but you already have a nickname. Tempers flare after the group settles in, pushing Grumpy past Angry right back to Tempestous. He threatens to find Lil Rodgers after the show is over, topping the insanity of this show's premise. He's better dressed than Alex, though, and the other contestants aren't wrong to worry about the outcome.
They're both dressed better than Daniel the Drunken Canadian, who chose a sleeveless hoodie for the day.
One-on-one with Luke
The prospective life partners take a dog sled to a hot tub in the forest. The plate full of painstakingly selected strawberries actually gets some play! At dinner, JoJo learns about Luke's time in the military, which included the loss of a close friend and fellow soldier. Baggage Check: JoJo asks if it was hard to move on. Luke crushes the Baggage Check and is rewarded with some snogging, a rose, and most importantly, some knucks.
Full from a dinner of drinks and a strawberry, they head to a stage where they snog in between a band called Dan & Shay and a small crowd. It's actually making me re-think my distaste for private concerts; being stuck on a small square of stage between a band and a crowd looks WAY more uncomfortable.
Group Date
Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby head to Heinz field for some basic football drills. Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, and Brett Kiesel are there to coach and inspire feelings of discomfort, excitement, and terror, respectively. Everyone drops Lil Rodgers's passes. No knucks for any of you! Catch the damn ball! James T gets a large gauze wrapped around his head for a little cut sustained in a blocking drill. This actually jibes well with our knowledge of the NFL's handling of head injuries. Lil Rodgers plays all-time QB for the game, which makes sense; nothing kills a pickup game like a lopsided quarterback battle. Evan manages to get another nosebleed somehow. The rest of the game is pretty unremarkable until Derek manages a pretty slick strip of Wells for the winning touchdown. Derek, Jordan, Robby, James T, Vinny, and ManGloves Evan proceed to cocktail hour with JoJo.
Can someone confirm the legality of stripping the ball in touch football?
Robby lowers his walls before lifting JoJo onto the pool table for some snogging. I physically cringe on behalf of the pool table...I don't think JoJo weighs much, but that's an expensive piece of furniture! Shoutout Jim for embedding respect for pool tables in my head from an early age. JoJo again tells Lil Rodgers he's difficult to read. C'mon Jordan, you're out of the NFL now! You have to stop looking off those safeties and ditch the hard count for a more old school approach! He manages to lower his walls or whatever and gets some snogging and a group date rose for his efforts.
Two-on-one with Alex and Tempestuous BadScruff
The uncomfortable and very quiet trio hikes through the forest, cutting branches off with sharp objects as they go. With awkwardness peaking, JoJo leads Alex away to talk things over. Alex fills her in on what she's "missed" in the house. Given some time alone, Angry BadScruff (downgraded again, particularly in front of JoJo) remains calm and denies any aggressive tendencies. While JoJo thinks over her options, Angry BS goes back to Alex with "no options left". They discuss violence, the Marines, and milk, for some reason. JoJo returns and smashes Angry BS with a truthhammer before giving the rose to Alex. Tempestuous BadScruff fires some parting shots into the camera and sets off to find Alex while the men at the house share a celebratory drink. But are they too early? TBS has arrived at the house despite being kicked off the show! We'll have to wait a week to see what happens now that The Purge has begun.
The BadScruff Cometh!
If you were playing the QQ Bachelor(ette) Drinking Game, you would have racked up 41 drinks based on the rules at the time! Not nearly enough for two hours. We'll keep working on it.
