JoJo Fletcher Bachelorette Recap Episode 5: The Dissolution of The Union
After a merciful two week layoff, the Bachelorette is back to carry us to the conclusion of the Grumpy BadScruff storyline. And to move JoJo closer to true love, I suppose, but no one has been focused on that, right?
Wells leads the guys in a eulogy over Grumpy BadScruff’s remaining protein powder, scattering it to the winds like ashes. Not entirely respectful of property, but definitely funny. Knucks to you for the idea and execution, Wells.
Of course we can’t just leave Grumpy BadScruff entirely, so we see him walking through the woods on his own until he reaches the house and Daniel the Drunken Canadian lets him in. GBS tries to explain himself to the group again, but fails miserably at apologizing. We all know this is going nowhere, so maybe you can help me answer another question: what is Daniel eating?!
Something unnaturally yellow to go with his unnatural cutoff hoodie.
ManGloves Evan tries to confront GBS over his ripped shirt because he majored in bear-poking before starting an ED clinic.
Alex receives a hero’s welcome upon his return, complete with a platter of cupcakes smashed into his face. Where did the cupcakes come from? Did someone in the house make them? If so, they should have shown it! I’d be interested in watching these guys try to bake, cook, or demonstrate any life skill for that matter. Light, happy music plays in the background while the survivors talk about their bright new GBS-less future. I watch this shortly after Game of Thrones; that might explain why such unabated joy causes me great anxiety. Someone will catch an arrow in the back or a sword through the heart soon.
First Cocktail Party
Chase takes JoJo to play with those jumbo inflatable knockerballs (not a euphemism), raising the prop question again. Did he specifically ask the producers to bring those? Could anyone have used them? I need to know!
Robby snogs, James F. reads a decent poem (by show standards), and tension builds. Daniel the Drunken Canadian, interrupted by Luke, asks for an extra minute like an adult. Knucks to you, Daniel.
Luke reflects on their one-on-one date and declares his “falling for” JoJo. It’s preposterous, but remember: so is everything else about this arrangement. In the Bachverse, this is comparable to asking someone on a first “real” date. ManGloves complains about the aggressiveness of other contestants. It’s like the “unwritten rules” advocates in sports who get mad when Joey Bautista flips his bat or someone smiles too broadly after a great play. Hey ManGloves, suck it up and spend more time talking to JoJo than whining to the crew!
Lil Rodgers pulls JoJo aside and goes right in for some against-the-wall snogging, which JoJo is VERY into. He’s playing the lovable frontrunner card as well as his older brother!
Stupid, sexy Rodgers.
First Rose Ceremony Eliminations: James F. and Daniel the Drunken Canadian
In the very scenic Punta del Este, Uruguay, JoJo’s eleven remaining suitors set up shop in the Grand Hotel. Lil Rodgers describes the competition as “stiff”, which makes me giggle even though I’m only halfway through my drink. I’m Questionably Qualified as an adult. After Lil Rodgers leaves for his one-on-one date, the men dig into some gossip magazines and read about JoJo’s past relationship…
One-on-One Date with Lil Rodgers
The two snog on the front (bow?) of a yacht before jumping into the water to swim with seals. He tells her he is “falling in love”, and JoJo pretends to not be focused on one question she clearly wants to ask: what happened in his last relationship?
Not a face to trifle with.
JoJo met Lil Rodgers's ex in Dallas, and she didn't do him any favors. He handles the grilling with the composure of an NFL quarterback and escapes the gauntlet with a snog of approval and a rose. Knucks to you for handling a difficult situation, Lil Rodgers.
Without touching their food (everyone must be buzzed 100% of the time on this show), they dance in the street with some locals.
Back at the hotel
a member of the crew gives JoJo the magazine the contestants were reading and tells her to address it. It's a blatant plant by the producers in an attempt to drum up drama, and it comes off cheap. I know you miss the thrill of Grumpy BadScruff, but come on.
JoJo explains the article the group, Robby leads the awkward comforting effort, and Alex isn’t wearing a shirt. Wait, why isn’t Alex wearing a shirt? EVERY other guy is wearing a shirt. I’m all for ditching clothes at home, but if you’re the only one shirtless, take the hint.
Group Date
Everyone except Lil Rodgers and Robby meet JoJo for some sandboarding. Nothing else happens. At the cocktail party, Luke comforts JoJo about the article and is rewarded with a snog-n-cuddle. Good for him, but too bad he tore a hole in his best cocktail pants.
Not stylish on dress pants, Luke. Also, not stylish in general this millennium.
The comfort train rolls on, and Vinny is wearing WAY too low of a V for society, and especially for the t-shirt-blazer combo he’s rocking.
You might as well not wear a shirt. Just tape up your nips to prevent chafage.
Derek asks JoJo for reassurance. Alex has assumed GBS’s angry mantle, and believes Derek is pretending to be insecure. He is drastically overestimating his competition. He gets a little snogging of his own, but misses a great opportunity to go Tom Cruise in Cocktail. He doesn’t even try! JoJo gives Derek the group date rose, infuriating Alex.
One-on-One Date with Robby
Robby puts on a hat and JoJo says he looks like Ryan Gosling. That’s quite a compliment, but she's wrong. He looks like Jason Statham with that hat on, only Jason Statham would never wear that hat.
Don't play the celebrity comparison game against me, JoJo. That's bearded Jason Statham.
They jump off a cliff into the ocean, “taking the plunge” (hooray for metaphors!) and it's time for dinner. Robby leads with a story of losing his best friend before dropping the L-word, earning a thank you and a snog. Another painfully awkward scene courtesy of the show’s insistence that contestants declare their love for someone instructed not to reciprocate. They go to the beach for more snogging under fireworks.
Back at the House
Alex continues his transformation into mini-GBS, antagonizing Derek for his insecurity. Someone should tell him that lashing out excessively is an indication of insecurity as well, just to see if his brain explodes. For science.
Cocktail Party
Our remaining contestants arrive at the site of the cocktail party to an odd arrangement. A variety of drinks covers the center table, but no one is there to place or take an order.
Do three of the twelve remaining contestants really drink white wine?
Did they just guess and hope there’s something for everyone? Are they trying to spark a disagreement over who gets white wine and who gets whiskey? Won't the beer be flat? Most importantly, why don’t we EVER see a contestant on this show make a drink?! Step up your host game!
Derek takes Alex, Robby, Lil Rodgers, and Chase aside to accuse them of behaving like a clique. It’s exactly as weird as it sounds. The weirdness is stopped by Chris Harrison, who asks them to report directly to the Rose Ceremony. Alex needs a different cut to his suit.
Little tight in the traps there, buddy.
Eliminated: Grant the Firefighter, Vinny, and ManGloves, the last of whom takes it the hardest. I know, you’re shocked.
Second Rose Ceremony Survivors: Luke, Chase, Angry Alex, James (T is the only remaining James), and Wells.
Quick note: in case you’re wondering why I never cover the “next week on” or “coming up” segments, the reason is simple: they edit them to be deliberately misleading, and that annoys me. Think about how hard they tried to implicate actual violence from GBS. It isn’t worth covering, so just tune in next week, both to the show and this column!
Hyperbole of the Week:
"To be pursuing JoJo for a month, and then to not get a rose, would be devastating." No, ManGloves, going to a clinic to treat your ED is devastating. Missing out on a romantic pursuit of one month is middle school.
If you were playing the QQ Bachelor(ette) Drinking Game, you would have racked up 73 drinks based on the rules at the time! That's more like it!
